The Angry Word

The Angry Word Has A New Home!

2010-03-11T23:17:00.001-06:00

We're proud to move to our new home and become a part of the Yummy Machine!

Everything here will remain as part of an archive but only till the end of March! Then it's full on to the Yummy Machine Productions!

Visit us now over at http://angrymessiah.yummymachine.com/

This Is What's Killing The Planet

2010-02-26T22:18:00.004-06:00

Go ahead, click on it. Then, when you're done scrolling through over 21 inches of receipt, you'll notice what I bought.

3! FUCKING. ITEMS.

That's right, I got a receipt that could choke a mound of termites, and said mound that covered the square area of a football field. For what?

Loaf of bread. Box of crackers. Bag of sugar.

I didn't buy a small asian boy and the rest of that shit isn't the warranty for a new car. It's surveys. It's 5 coupons for 3 different pizza places. Car wash discounts. Spanish instructions for a survey that I have to press 2 for English to take.

This is the corporate bullshit that is killing us. So how can we at The Angry Word help? Let's just eliminate the horseshit from this thing and get to the stuff you need to know.

5.2 inches. That's it. That's all you need. It's the important stuff. Remember, sometimes length isn't important as just getting the job done.

Could that be a thinly veiled dick joke?

Maybe.

Be Well Citizen

Everyone In South Carolina Is A Stupid Cocksucker

2010-01-27T01:26:00.003-06:00

I’m sure all of you out there have heard this by now but it’s really worth reading again:

In a speech at a town hall meeting in the Upstate, Bauer revisited instructions he said his grandmother had given him when he was a small child. Bauer said his grandmother, who was not highly educated, had told him to stop feeding stray animals.

"You know why?" he asked. "Because they breed. You're facilitating the problem if you give an animal or a human ample food supply."

Bauer, 40, later said his intent was to explain the government is "breeding a culture of dependency" with its social program, which he said has grown out of control and "amounts to little more than socialism, paid for by hardworking, tax-paying families ... against their wishes."

What. The. Fuck.

Now if Republican Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer really feels this way and I’m sure he does, shouldn’t he be taking this shit up with/on the proper forum? For instance, why doesn’t that stupid cocksucker find a way to travel through time (like.. oh say, Nick and Dooie? Cross promotion posting! New strips every Mondays!) and take his stupid cocksucking mouth and bitch at Franklin Delano Roosevelt?

You know why? Cause Frank would kick the shit out of this asshole. Frank wasn’t the kind of guy that thought “Well, it’s the Great Depression. Instead of fixing our problems, let’s just stop feeding them.”. Why didn’t he think this way? CAUSE HE WASN’T A STUPID COCKSUCKER.

Andre did get one thing right. We are paying taxes against our wishes. I certainly didn’t pay 8 years worth of taxes for Bush to use them in Iraq. So tit-for-tat asshole. You get a war, I get welfare.

Be Well Citizen

It's Official! I Rock.

2010-01-01T18:56:00.002-06:00

Listen up fuckers, no updates on this thing because the fruit of my loins has been born. It's www.nickanddooie.com for your faces and hearts. Check it out and love it.

Be Well Citizen.

New Moon, Old Shit

2009-11-19T00:10:00.005-06:00

Vampires, Werewolfs, and Douchebags. Is there anything this series doesn’t have? Except, you know, decent fucking writing?

I truly don’t understand what the fuss is about. Stephenie Meyer is a fucking hack. I had the misfortune of being stuck in Minneapolis last year after a most bitching Slipknot show and the next morning, while nursing my hangover and waiting for everyone else to wake up, I pulled the book from the shelf of a deranged fan and perused the first 200 pages or so in like, 30 minutes. Granted, I read like roadrunners fuck but I’m not that fast. It was just that easy to read. It might as well have been published by Scholastic next to the nickel books on your kindergartners’ desk. It was disgusting.

“Ohhh Edward, make me your zombie he-bitch! Giggle!” wailed millions of androgynous ass-wipes.

Can this shit get any worse? These pieces of shit get released faster than big-booty whores marry semi-talented basketball players. New Moon is right around the corner and I feel the need to brain anyone I see reading this book. Look, it’s no secret I hate this shit and have long harbored venomous thoughts about blowing up Stephenie with my mind but can we tone it down a bit? Edward doesn’t need to be branded on your 13 year old daughters bitty-titties.

Anyone with half a dead-brain (read: the fans) would realize that Edward, as a vampire, is over a hundred years old, a 104 to be exact according to Wikipedia, and as such, his involvement with “Bella” would be a cut and dry case of pedophilia. Is this really the message we want to send to the world 382 million times over?

I hope you all get paper cuts and die over your copy of Breaking Dawn.

Be Well Citizen

This Is Why Updates Haven't Happened

2009-11-08T22:00:00.004-06:00

Because over the last few months, some friends and myself have been pounding this out (see the widget on the left and join us over at our Official Fan Page) and we go live January 1st, 2010. It's gonna be wild.

Be Well Citizen

The Semi-Bi-Kind-Of-Monthly Update. I'm Over It.

2009-08-12T01:28:00.004-05:00

Shit almighty, it's been a wild couple of months.

I've managed to set myself on fire, damn near got banned from Six Flags, started writing a comic strip (with real art, not the cut and paste nonsense I do over at www.angrymessiahcomics.blogspot.com) and a graphic novel project that when we release it, will blow your socks off and put them in the washer.

So, yea, I've been damn busy.

Unfortunately, no job yet but one remains hopeful. I'm just hoping that I become gainfully employed before I have to stand in front of Obama's death panel.

I would figure that after this, you would have guessed that these updates will be few and far between. Hey, I took a year off before, no reason I can't do it again.

Be Well Citizen.

Andi Need's A New Phone!

2009-06-23T10:38:00.003-05:00

Recently, my wife was coming home from BarBri classes when she got her iPhone jacked from her at the Wilson Red Line stop here in Chicago. We’ve only been here for 3 weeks. Nice way to start out in the city…

It was snatched right out of her hands, violating her personal space, her property and sense of excitement being in this city.

Naturally, within 45 minutes of it getting ganked, we had the number suspended, all the passwords changed and we called AT&T for some help. None was provided…

Sadly, the corporate blood leeches that AT&T has become, told us we were out of luck for the stolen phone. They would not activate the GPS to track it down. Our only remedy was to just accept that it was gone and in order to replace it, we would have had to have insurance on the iPhone. Guess what models AT&T doesn’t provide insurance for? Yea, you got it. The iPhone.

OS 3.0 just dropped and we COULD have tracked it down with a hundred dollar subscription to MobileMe but hell, even that’s not a guarantee. So, any one want to take a guess as to how much it is to replace a 300 dollar phone?

500 dollars.

That’s right. It’s 500 clams. Which brings me to my point. As a pre-job lawyer, just starting out and waiting to take her Bar Exam, she needs a phone. So I’m turning to you fine folks.

For just one dollar, EVER, you can give support to something that actually matters. This isn’t some child with a hairlip in Cambodia that needs 40 cents a day, this is an almost lawyer, planning on going into public service, looking for a hand up. If you can spare a buck, just scroll to the top of the page and donate.

Who knows, one day you might need her services. Couldn’t hurt to get some probono work for an act of kindness today.

Be Well Citizen.

Scatterblast! Fancy Waste Of Time

2009-06-18T13:20:00.002-05:00

I loathe you, ketchup packet. You are .32 oz of nuisance. There is enough ketchup in one of these damn little bags of tomato tease for approximately 3 french fries. What, am I anorexic? NO! So give me some damn ketchup. Why can’t it come in the same container as the Sweet ‘N Sour sauce or BBQ sauces? Those are at least .75 oz, and are MUCH easier to open and to dip my fries in. And fancy ketchup? Fuck you. It’s regular ketchup. Oh, and take the hint from Arby’s sauce packets. Those are at least .50 oz.

That’s It. I’m Done.

June Update!

2009-06-15T12:37:00.001-05:00

After a long and arduous move to Chicago, updates will continue next week. Internets are mine once more!

Be Well Citizen

Eureka! I've Found My Bigotry!

2009-05-26T13:18:00.003-05:00

Continuing our coverage of the most basic of human rights extended to straight people everywhere, California pushes their collective head up their ass.

How the fuck this actually got pushed through in November is what astounds me. Now that the Supreme Court of California says it’s ok to fuck every gay person not married yet, they go ahead and keep the 18,000 gay marriages it’s already had (which hopefully will be it's undoing). It’s the very height of stupidity. Get your shit together. Connecticut, Iowa, Maine, Massachusetts, Maine and Vermont are happily more progressive than the land of legal weed. How the fuck?

Be Well Citizen.

My Wife, My Hero... My New Lawyer

2009-05-15T10:49:00.002-05:00

So today’s the day. Graduation. After 7 long years of school, my wife is done with law school and on her way to kicking some major fucking ass on the Bar. I’m so proud of her and everything she’s done.

Look out world, it’s Magnum Mary, Esquire.

Be Well Citizen.

The Holy See Spot Make An Ass Out Of Himself

2009-05-12T09:25:00.006-05:00

So it’s Angry Messiah Week here and I thought I’d start by ragging on the Pope.

Seems every time Bennie leaves his count, er… castle, er… house, he gets blasted for not doing enough condemnation of the Holocaust. Yea, The Holocaust. You know the one.

Well I don’t know what the hell these people want from a man who is the head of the Christian nation. He was a fucking Nazi for Christ sakes. Sure, sure, he claims it was compulsory and he had to join or face death but come on…

Does this look like the face of a man that wouldn’t lie to you?

Bennie is on a five day reconciliation tour, where he belts out Top Ten hits like "We Didn't Start the Fire", “Aufwiedershen” and “Who Do You Think You Are Kidding Mr. Hitler” so he can promote peace, love and understanding (What's So Funny 'Bout) between the two faiths. I don’t think for a fucking second that the Holy See can actually bring the Muslims and Jews together in happy matrimony under the guise of Israel. You can’t just pop a county down in the middle of someone else’s lands. Oh, wait. Maybe we can.

Face it; you’ll never be a JPII. Take your car, your city-state, your stupid fucking hat, and shut the fuck up already. You’ve angered just about everyone in Europe. If you would just hurry up and die, Jebus’s Fan Club can go and get a real Pope. One who inspires people. Who doesn’t say condoms spread AIDS. Who doesn’t have a Hitler Youth Rally as their soundtrack to life. Who doesn’t inspire people to produce riffs on your life. In short, a Pope you can have a beer with because god damit, that’s all Americans want.

Be Well Citizen

Scatterblast! Time & Place People, Time & Place

2009-05-07T11:03:00.003-05:00

So I walked into the bathroom at work today and a co-worker was at one of the urinals already. Now I realize that this alone is not note worthy, but the fact that said co-worker was texting someone, is. Really? Is it so important that it couldn’t wait those 45 seconds for you to finish your business? Please people, understand that there’s a time and a place for everything. I just hope you didn’t tinkle on your BlackBerry.

That’s It. I’m Done.

The Glory Of Olsen!

2009-05-07T08:56:00.005-05:00

He's bad. He's nation wiiiiiddddddeeeeee!!

Recently, one of my best friends on the whole damn planet, told me to stuff it. I rightfully deserved every second of it. Unperturbed by my (shamefully) doubt, he's been sweeping up the grades in school, handling business and made a trip here, to my town, Des Moines, Iowa to finally lay it down. He's da boss.

Jake Olsen Sr. came, saw and kicked ass at the State of Iowa Skills USA sheet metal competition! Bringing home the gold, this mighty motherfucker moves on to Nationals where he should and more than likely will, bring home first in the nation to join his first in State. Keep on kicking ass Jake. Have no fear, I'll shut my fucking mouth from now on.

Be Well Citizen

For The RoboCop In All Of Us

2009-05-01T12:33:00.006-05:00

I normally despise being a shill for other peoples products but there are a few companies in the world that need homage paid to. Just a note, none of these products sponsor me (all though, I’m not opposed to some cash), so I write this of my own volition.

In the history of the world, there has never been another idea that’s better than:

Omni Consumer Products is a product development company located in the San Francisco Bay Area, with a focus on licensing, defictionalization, and reverse-branding. That’s to say that they take fake shit from a flick and turn it into awesome shit that 60% of the time, works all the time… like fucking SEX PANTHER!

Now when I get ready for a night on the town with a whore from whore island, I splash some panther on my neck and let the crystals get to work. And being that sexy smelling, I get mighty thirsty so I have to get what plants crave. With a quickness, I reach into my fridge and grab up a BRAWNDO! It’s a thirst mutilator!

Why the fuck hasn’t anyone thought of this before now?

Currently, they only have those two products up. So I thought I’d brain storm a little and come up with some ideas that I think would be noteworthy entry in to RL (that’s real life for you laymen). Let’s get to it.

1: Mechas: From the film A.I. Artificial Intelligence

Face it folks, who wouldn’t want a fuck-bot? These things can be programmed to cook, clean, suck you off and do laundry. If OCP can deliver, I’ll take two. If this isn’t possible, I’ll take an R2D2 I guess. You know, for laughs? Oh, and to hold my lightsaber. Which brings me to number 2.

2: Lightsabers: From the film franchise Star Wars.

I have no idea why I really need to explain this but here it is anyway. It’s a FUCKING. LIGHTSABER. The end.

3: Falkor, the flying luckdragon: From the film franchise The NeverEnding Story

If science can clone a sheep, why the hell can’t I have a luckdragon? I’m tired of sitting in traffic and when I make the move to Chicago later this year, it’s only going to get worse. Plus, if I have trouble finding a parking space for Falkor, he can just breathe bitchin blue fire and make one. Take that you stupid Vespa.

4: Delorean Time Machine: From the film franchise Back to the Future.

Aside from immense personal financial gain, I would go back and make sure that Robocop 3 didn’t suck.

Now that some of these immensly awesome products see the light of day, I don't see a reason why we can't have it all. Face it folks, the future is in the past. What kind of products do you want to see?

Be Well Citizen

SpankerSock: My Anti-Drug

2009-04-28T08:33:00.004-05:00

Recently at my brothers house a group of us were playing Yahtzee! (Don’t discount the intense and often times, heated exchange of five, 6-sided dice) and as smokers, we were bitching up a storm about the local, and federal sin-tax on cigarettes. Make no mistake, this isn’t a “get well America” tax, it’s about money, nothing more. Do you really think that the Federal Govn. really gives a shit if you live or die in a cloud of toxins? Moving on…

Now in our ramblings, we came up with an idea that I can’t imagine everyone not loving. Even our friends with no feet should get a kick out of this.

For the price of a pack of cigarettes here in Iowa and I’m sure in your neck of the woods too, you could, on average, buy a package of socks every day and flip those fuckers out like sticks of Winterfresh. Yes, that’s right; you can wear a pair of brand new socks every day, for the rest of your life, if you quit smoking. Hell, you’d even have 30 bucks difference (in the positive for you mathematical wizards) at the end of a week. Meaning, you could afford to change your socks 6 times a day for the exact same amount of money you currently spend on smokes.

How fucking awesome is that? Disposable socks? Sign my ass up. There isn’t a soul in the world that doesn’t love new socks. Not one.

Now consider the ramifications of this.

1: Less smokers because they’ve converted to sock using = less money spent on health care.
2: More sock demand + more cotton grown = booming southern economy.
3: Socks rock.
4: Once-used socks get sewn into blankets and tents for the homeless.

5: See number 3.

Anytime you feel the need to light up, just pop on a pair of brand new Hanes, dump the old ones into the trash and keep on rocking the free world.

I love new socks so damn much; I’m going to be buried in one.

Be Well Citizen.

Rumble in the People’s Republic

2009-04-22T13:35:00.005-05:00

Jackie Chan is this week’s winner of the “Foot in Mouth” award. With a swift kung fu opera kick to his own mouth, Jackie Chan proved he should have practiced public speaking and not judo chopping.

He told a business forum, "I'm not sure if it's good to have freedom or not," yep, and "I'm gradually beginning to feel that we Chinese need to be controlled. If we're not being controlled, we'll just do what we want," Now, I realize that I wasn’t there and I have no idea what his context for that comment was, but I think it’s awesome to hear him say that. Ya see, Jackie Chan is a Chinese dynamo. He’s filthy rich, obviously a good business man, honorary degrees, ambassador for the Deaf Olympic Games, ambassador for the Hong Kong Tourism Board, plus he is a major face for the Asian populace to the world. I’m sure that’s only the tip of the iceberg. He’s allowed to have an opinion about Asian culture and politics because he can kick China’s ass without a stunt double.

I happen to agree with Chan. China has a good thing going. China’s government is possibly better than America’s. Shit, if China collected the debts that America owes, we’d have to create a new currency just to pay them. Communism coupled with a relatively free market has worked miracles for China. Roll that with China’s Communism picking PH.Ds for their offices and not some jack off with a nice smile and a catchy slogan and you are asking for success. If China was to change to a Democracy, instant crap fest. At least you know the only companies lobbying for contracts are state owned companies and not a politicians’ best friend, and the president’s cabinet would be professors that are creating the field they’re being asked to manage not someone that is filling out a resume for the next company they CEO.

So keep the chains on China ya beautiful dominatrix, clean up China’s manufacturing standards (probably the most significant positive America has), collect your debt and take out the United States as a world financial opponent, free Tibet, employ your huge army as construction workers, crown your leaders and set up Chinese dynasties. It’s worked for you before.

Even one of China’s major spokesmen says, "I'm gradually beginning to feel that we Chinese need to be controlled. If we're not being controlled, we'll just do what we want.” And do you want 6 billion Chinese running amok in the streets doing what they want?

But What Do I Know?

Scatterblast! Torpedo, Perfecto, or Presidente?!

2009-04-21T16:18:00.002-05:00

For those that didn’t see it, Big O has completed step one of one hell of a great thing. President Obama is allowing Americans to make unlimited transfers of money and visits to relatives in Cuba and easing other restrictions, ushering in a new era of openness toward the island nation ruled by communists for 50 years according to Yahoo! News.

I can’t WAIT until I can stock my humidor with Cohibas and Montecristos! That day will come, and I will shed a tear of joy! I guess until then I’ll have to settle for some Don Diegos.

That’s It. I’m Done.

But He Speaks So Well

2009-04-13T11:46:00.006-05:00

Remember way back in the day when, then Senator Barack Obama, opposed extending the international war on terrorism? If my memory is not too swiss cheesed by my vices, I could have sworn he repeated over and over that our troops would come home and all the “evils” and abuse of power that President Bush demonstrated would come to an end. Maybe I’m wrong and maybe everyone that touted he would stop the war and end crazy military spending were misinformed, but wasn’t that the HOPE package he sold?

Currently, President Barack Obama is asking for about $83 Billion for military and “diplomatic” (here, diplomatic means C.I.A subversion and tactics) uses in Afghanistan. Oh, and ask anyone in the active military where their company is being deployed. He’s also asking for around $400 million to fight “narcoterrorism” on the U.S. border with Mexico. Narcoterrorism used to be called The War on Drugs. You know, the money toilet Reagan and Bush invented that cleaned up our streets of drug abuse and violence. Of course, the drug war was really an outlet for the C.I.A to affect South American governments and control the drug trade. But we all learned that trick didn’t we?

I guess I thought that since tha brotha could speak so well, President Obama would follow through with honesty and his word yo. Didn’t he say America was supposed to pull out of Iraq and Afghanistan? Instead it seems that what he meant was to pull out of Iraq when U.S. generals said it would be ok (thank you General Petreus, I mean that), increase troops into Afghanistan, and continue fortifying the U.S. home base while shitting all of mine and your money all over it. He wasn’t supposed to construct a bullshit wall on the U.S.-Mexican border because that was a Republican thang. Remember Republican to a Democrat means prehistoric thinking and only what a drooling pig fucker would do, so what the fuck?

Where do you suppose the money goes? Well you need private contractors to build countries and laser fences and holding cells and infrastructures in foreign countries and C.I.A. agents to train people like Bin Laden and paying off foreign politicians….and you get it.

I thought he said he WASN’T gonna be Bush part deux? But damn he sure do talk good. His words are turning into a hooker with no orifices, she may look good and smell good but she just can’t deliver the promise.

Ok, here’s how you fix it all: Legalize all drugs and let everyone decide what they want to do with their own bodies and lives. Don’t tax or regulate it. Completely remove all soldiers from every foreign country and instead give them training and education, then employ and charge all of the soldiers with maintaining our country’s infrastructure as well as Mexico’s infrastructure. Yes Mexico’s, please read on.

Result: Drug related crime goes down because prohibition only creates crime, the U.S. contractors start taking over Mexico with workers, and our troops come home. Then put C.I.A spooks in charge of it all so they don’t feel left out and money can still be quietly swept wherever our leaders’ friends think it should go.

But What Do I Know?

JDAM Abraham

Death By Hamburger

2009-04-09T13:36:00.007-05:00

Recently the West Michigan Whitecaps, the Class A minor league baseball affiliate for the Detroit Tigers, unveiled a new item that will be on their concessions menu this year. It’s simply known as the Fifth Third Burger, apply named after the bank which currently holds the naming rights to the Whitecaps stadium in Comstock Park, MI. Now I’m sure some of you are wondering why a hamburger is worth mentioning. I have 4,900 reasons actually… because that’s how many calories are in this monstrosity.

The “burger” contains 1.66 pounds of ground beef, lettuce, tomato, salsa, sour cream, chili, and Fritos on an eight inch sesame seed bun. Going price for the FTB is $20, and if you can finish it in one sitting the team will give you a free Fifth Third Burger t-shirt. Hardly worth the price when you consider what you’ve just eaten.

Here’s a tale of the tape for the “nutritional” information (% of daily value in parentheses):

Calories: 4,889 (244%)
Total Fat: 299g (460%)
Saturated Fat: 199g (597%)
Cholesterol: 744mg (248%)
Sodium: 10,887mg (454%)
Total Carbs: 354g (118%)
Protein : 198g (105%)

Now take a second and consider what you’ve just eaten. That’s the caloric equivalent of just over 9 McDonald’s Big Macs and the total fat of 10! If you’re more of a Wendy’s guy and you want that Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger late night, because well let’s face it we’ve all been there before, well then go ahead and have 33 of them, because you still haven’t reached the amount of saturated fat in one FTB. Compared to the Burger King Whopper (without cheese) it would be more than 10.5 times the sodium content. You could eat 10 Whoppers and still have enough sodium left over to have a regular Coke instead of diet, unless of course you happen to be trying to “watch your figure.”

So there you have it folks. And people wonder why America is such a fat nation.

That’s It. I’m Done.

Power Survey!

2009-04-07T13:27:00.005-05:00

And our first entry into "Won't You Be My Gargamel!" has been received! The competition is quite stiff and I'm not sure who, if anyone, can top our first entry out of the gate.

Ladies and Germs, your first completed survey:

Dear Sir: I speak to birds of prey & notarize my victims genitals.

That is one cold customer.

Be Well Citizens

Freedom And Unity And Gay Marraige!

2009-04-07T11:08:00.004-05:00

So, news came down today that Vermont struck down their homophobic Governor's veto of Gay Marraige. Vermont joins us Iowans in welcoming an influx of The Gays to tie the knot.

Welcome to the club Vermont. Now you're as progressive as Iowa. Who knew?

Be Well Citizen.

Won't You Be My Gargamel?

2009-04-07T09:59:00.004-05:00

Do/did you or any member of your immediate family currently, or previously, have/had an operation involving but not limited to, your brain which resulted in abnormal occurrences?
Do/did you or any member of your immediate family currently, or previously, display abnormal fluxuations involving time and/or space?

Do/did you or any member of your immediate family currently, or previously, need abnormal medical care only attainable due to high-priced theft involving large profile items?

Are you or any member of your immediate family currently, or previously, snappy dressers with panache for wild color schemes and posses a foreign accent?

If you answered “Yes!” to one or more of these questions, you’re in the running to be my arch-nemesis!

Ya see, I live a pretty sweet ass life. I have damn near everything I need. The few things that I still desire can only be accomplished by having a master villain be my kryptonite. My problem is a simple one. I can’t justify to my wife (behind every good superhero is a strong woman) the need for a lair. How else would I explain the rationale for a cave under the house? I’m not talking about some pussy ass Man-cave where 30-something year old men go to play with their buddies and a big screen, I’m talking a serious expansion here. Something with animals inside of it. Somewhere to put my tricked out schwinn.

If you look at history, you’ll see that every great hero had his opposite. Spider-Man has his Green Goblin, The Smurfs had their Gargamel.

Hell, even King Friday had his Lady Elaine Fairchilde.

Myself? I want, nay, need a supervillain. So, if you feel you’re in the running, please fill out this short survey and submit it to HandgunJesus@yahoo.com

List your desires for benefits and salary. Full details of powers appreciated.
Be Well Citizen.

G.20 Caliber Guide To Solutions

2009-04-03T10:49:00.005-05:00

The G20 summit met recently with plans to dump 5 trillion bucks into the world economy. Armed with a 6 point plan:

1: Restore confidence, growth, and jobs
2: Repair the financial system to restore lending
3: Strengthen financial regulation to rebuild trust
4: Fund and reform our international financial institutions to overcome this crisis and prevent future ones
5: Promote global trade and investment and reject protectionism, to underpin prosperity
6: Build an inclusive, green, and sustainable recovery.

The Group Of 20, the top twenty economic powers in the global economy, are seeking a global solution to a global problem.

Hey, that’s great and all but instead of buying our way out of this, can we look at some alternative steps just in case this doesn’t work as planned?

Presenting:

Welcome ladies and gentlemen, honored guests and other such rabble-rousers. We meet here today to bring a clear and certain message. No longer can we sit back and do nothing about the failed economies of so many of our countries. With unemployment rates so high, the value of our dollars worldwide so low, I propose a unique and worthwhile investment in our future.

Instead of pumping trillions of dollars into World Bank, what if we just let it all fall apart? Let our stocks and our job loss run amok? Gone are the days of excessive greed and entitlement abuse. No more shall we prop our citizens up into precious centerpieces of society and tell them “Yes. You are special and you deserve so much for nothing.”

I propose we close our borders, embrace protectionism and start focusing on the problems in our own backyard. We close all available credit and let the schoolyard bullies of banking fail where they stand. All lending shall cease. No more creditors praying on our people, like wild jackals sniffing around for fresh blood.

Yes! There will be problems! Major ones! But we can get through them all, with our new 4 point plan.

1: All debt is rolled back and started at zero. Credit is abolished afterwards, except for big ticket items, such as a house. Otherwise, if you want something, you save the money and buy it then.
2: All Lenders left in good financial standing, pools their money and assets together. Under the new world currency, each dollar is distributed equally among the banks left. World Bank is in charge.
3: Every new home and business must comply with new energy compacts, left to regional assumptions. The Southern and Western portions of North America will use bio-fuels made from Algae. The Middle-East shall use exclusively Solar. Asia shall use Hydro. Etc. Etc. Oil, Coal and other fossil fuels are banned in a green world. All other businesses and homes have 5 years to comply.
4: To curtail unemployment, we tally the number of worldwide jobs left after the great economic downfall and assign one for each citizen best qualified. When we run out, those that don’t qualify are euthanized.

After that, it’s cake. We roll the world back to day one. It’s the dawn of a new age folks. Thanks for coming. Meeting adjourned.

Now I realize this might be extreme. But I’ve yet to hear any of your ideas to turn this shit around and frankly, 20 of the G20’s members haven’t offered anything better. Not only do think this is a better idea, The Angry Word did it in 4 steps, not 6. This should illustrate just how fucking superior it is to the other guys’ plan.

So look, if you’ve got a better plan, by all means, don’t hold back. Everyone else is grasping at straws on what to do, might as well join them.

Be Well Citizen.

Is This Heaven? No, It's An Equal Rights Iowa!

2009-04-03T09:26:00.004-05:00

On this, April 3rd, the Year of Our Lord, 2006, the Iowa Supreme Court has decided by a margin of 7-0, that equal rights are equal for all. (Read the PDF. Safe For Work and Home computers)

Congratulations Iowa, welcome to the real world.

Be Well Citizen.

As more information becomes available, this post will be updated.

If You Do This Shit, I May Have To Shank You

2009-04-02T12:34:00.003-05:00

I’ve been mulling this over in my head for some time now. The Great Handgun wrote the other day about some random things that piss him off. Now I don’t mean to be a follower, but I guess I am somewhat of a disciple of The Handgun. Now don’t go getting in a tizzy and think that I am or am advocating worshiping false profits. I’m simply saying that Handgun is the creator of this blog and I am but a vice to his presidency. So without further ado, here’s the Shotgun Iscariot version of Shit I Hate With Every Fiber Of Everyone’s Being.

The Word “potty”:

First off, you aren’t three years old. You’re a grown ass person. Even for a three year old, it’s juvenile. I don’t go around announcing when I gotta take a shit. If I were in a group and said, “I have to go take a poop,” everyone would be upset. So why is it okay for someone to say, “I have to go potty.” It’s no different. Stop saying it. You sound like an imbecile. Next time just announce that you need to use the bathroom or restroom. I don’t need to know if you have to do a number one or number two. Just go.

The New Facebook:

Enough said

People Who Use The Word “irregardless”:

Again, you sound like an idiot. That’s not even a word. Ok, so maybe it is. But it’s kind of like ‘ain’t’. It’s the bastard child of other words. You really mean “regardless,” as in despite everything. Say what you mean and mean what you say.

Those That Have No Concept Of Working Hours:

I understand that the regular world works 8-5. Some of us, however, do not. Some of us work six to six, SO DON’T CALL ME JUST BECAUSE YOU AREN’T AT WORK. I have enough shit to take care of during the day. If you need to get a hold of me, send me an email or a text that I can get to when I have a minute. If it’s an emergency, give me a call. Call me on the lunch hour. But keep in mind that not all of us are done with our working day.

Larry the Cable Guy:

Get it done already. I’m tired of git-r-done. First off, git isn’t even a word. I understand that you’re a redneck. I just don’t care. YOU’RE NOT FUNNY. IT’S OLD. YOUR TIME HAS PASSED. Let it be so.

Those Damn Free Credit Report Commercials:

I don’t care anymore. If the first three or four commercials didn’t work, what makes you think the newest nuisance to my ears is going to make me make the call? It’s not. You’re gimmicky lyrics are just annoying now. If you were here in front of me, I would stab you.

So there you have it folks. Stop that shit. I don’t want to have to start working at shaving my toothbrush down. It’s just a plain waste of my time.

That’s It. I’m Done.

Don't Shoot! It's Only Abraham Obama!

2009-03-16T15:07:00.005-05:00

Yep, it’s come to that, Abraham Obama. First, let me just say that if you are one of these sheep caught up in the Cult of Personality known as Barack Obama… you’re an ass. You make all Americans look stupid, especially because you’re probably under 40 and are the future of our country.

Similarities: Both were lawyers from Illinois….both are…tall…and male.

Ok, that’s about it. I can’t think of anything else that exists at this moment that makes them similar. So what is everyone basing this comparison on? Maybe it’s based on “what ifs”. Like what if Obama isn’t a rich white Republican that has corporate interests and lobbyists that helped him get into office and then completely dictates his presidential decisions. Well we’ll see about the rich friends part but I think he’s got the non-white and Republican thang beat. The fact that Lincoln emancipated the black slaves and Barack is black doesn’t count as a similarity, ASS.

He is the hope to unify the nation just like Lincoln did. There’s a couple problems with this theory. First of all, if you think Abraham Lincoln “freed the slaves from the Christian morality of his heart” then you probably think the moon is made of cheese. Fact is, the financial backbone of the South was based on the industrial backbone of the South, which was based on the hard work of slaves. Emancipate the slaves and break the back of the South. Unification through force sounds like business as usual in history to me. Then he followed that up with having his rich lobbyist friends sell their Industrialization to the South, pretty smart Mr. Lincoln. Second, there is only a division between the two political parties, not in the American needs and wants.

Now how can we compare Obama to Lincoln based on something like that? Well, the lobbyists may have changed from Industrialization to say, pharmaceutical, but I’m guessing the real similarity will be with Obama being like every other politician in American history and pandering to laws that will help his lobbyist friends. Maybe he’ll be known as a better president than Bush, but I’m guessing that it’ll be because we don’t see his friends that benefit from his decisions as easily as we did with the private contracts in Iraq and friendship with the number one terrorist in the world (supposedly).

It’s funny to ask someone what Obama actually did to deserve to be president. I don’t mean gathering enough money and making himself a sellable brand. I mean what he actually did that made him worthy of being voted for. Try it some time and see what the answer is. Oh yea and if you tried to compare Lincoln being shot to the fact that Obama may one day meet the same fate, then you’re an ass too.

But What Do I Know?

JDAM Abraham

The People's Republic Of Georgia

2009-03-11T12:07:00.002-05:00

Everyone knows who Nadya Suleman is yea? I won’t denigrate a great James Bond movie by repeating the name the media has given her (by the way, fuck you Perez Hilton, you fat sack of shit) because of this drama induced birth.

Yea, 8 babies is insane. I don’t want anyone to think I’m going to stick up for this revolving door of a pussy but a certain Senator in Georgia (and Missouri but I’ll get to that later) named Ralph Hudgens, a fat, sad Republican who needs fucked in the face with a garbage truck, has introduced a bill to limit the number of embryos that can be implanted in a woman's uterus during in-vitro fertilization procedures.

Does any of this sound familiar? It should.

In 2001, Jiang Zemin, the 63rd President of The Peoples Republic Of (Communist) China, passed the Population and Family Planning Law of the People's Republic of China. Effectively mandating how many children Chinese citizens can have.

So, am I comparing Sen. Hudgens to a communist? Yes, yes I am. Now I don’t think he actually is a communist but I would love to hear him deny the accusation. I really love his website. It’s a work of genius.

I understand his point. I do. Even if he’s a hypocrite. There is no way Ms. Suleman should have 14 children. The fertility clinic in question that implanted the embryos should absolutely reexamine their ethics. Nadya should have considered a much, much better financial security before having another 8 children (she says she was going for 2, it split and she got 8) on top of her 6 previous kids. Living on loans and welfare (which she does receive) is so damn ill-conceived. Granted, I don’t have to pay for it because she lives in California but I feel for the citizens that still have jobs in her state.

Now, understanding aside. This isn’t fucking China. This is a direct slap in the face of women’s reproductive rights. It’s their body. Just because the Southern Republicans can’t stand that women have rights, especially over their own love-caves, doesn’t mean you get to tell everyone what you can and cannot push out of it. I’d imagine Sen. Hudgens is just pissed that no one would want to push anything of his out of their pussy.

Be Well Citizen

Shit I Hate With Every Fiber Of Everyone's Being

2009-03-06T12:00:00.003-06:00

Pompous assholes that say Thank You, Hello or Goodbye in a foreign language:

If you’re an American, living in America and your first language is English, don’t say thanks in French. The moment Merci lives your lips, my fist wants to cut you off at the pass and bust your mouth open. The only time this is even remotely acceptable, is when you’re actually in France. And then you only look like the ridiculous tourist trying way too hard to fit in. If public beheadings were still legal, you’d be at the top of the list for annoyance.

Uber-nerds proclaiming the merits of Star Wars over Star Trek and vice-versa:

Look, I’m a nerd. I speak nerd. I’m married to a nerd and I love it. I have nerd friends. I do nerdy things just like you. However, I don’t debase myself by debating vehemently that Kirk could kick Picards ass (he could) and who would win in a lightsaber battle, sans the Force, between Maul and Worf. It’s just not proper and frankly, Han should shoot first on your ass.

Fucking nerds.

Neighbors when you live in an apartment:

They suck. They’re loud. They let their bay-bees kids run fucking wild in the hallways. They let their garbage bag sit in the hall stinking up the joint. A load of laundry will sit in the washer for 3 hours because someone can’t get off their ass and go get it. The only plus side is you don’t have to move grass. If I did have grass, I would use their mulched bodies for fertilizer.

Kids that don’t listen. Ever. To anyone:

Not their parents, not teachers. Makes you want to punch them in the back of the head. I fucking despise having to repeat the same instructions to a child. Now, I’m not talking about once or twice. That I can handle. I’m talking about 5 damn times. Short attention spans? Maybe. Flat out ignoring you? More than a possibility. Is there a reason they do this? To test you? Push your buttons?

I don’t know for sure but the next bratty little punk I come across in Wal-Mart, I’m going to start pushing back.

Right-wingers. Not Republicans:

I don’t mind the other side. I welcome them because without darkness, there could be no light. Without stupidity, there could be no intelligence. Without.. ok, you get it. The pond-scum I’m referring to are hard-core, machine-gun toting, bible shitting Republicans that think they live in “real America” and and all Democrats are socialists and baby killers that want to steal their guns. Look, I get the divide. We’re all citizens living with a fucked up Government. We have strong principles that don’t match up. Repubs are square pegs and Dems are the round holes. (Independents are the games instructions that no one pays attention to) The right-wingers like Rush Limbaugh are the prime example of why their party lost influence. The hatemonger, venom spewing fools.

Sandra Bullock and everything she’s ever been in:

Name one movie that didn’t want to make you book a ticket to Hollywood and bash her face in with a wrench. I’ll wait.

Yea. Nothing right?

Anyone that claims “the book was way better”:

Now I’ve been guilty of this from time to time because some books are better than the film. For instance, Lord Of The Rings (sorry to invoke the second holy trilogy but hey, fuck you, it was) was a wayyy better film than a book. I loved the books; don’t get me wrong but actually reading JRR’s antiquated writing style? It’s hard on the eyes and the brain. However, we all know someone that has proclaimed every book to be better than their celluloid counterpart. It’s fucking ridiculous. How the hell would they have the time to read 800 pages, plus see the movie and then compare and contrast each pair? Something like 900 movies come out a year. Sorry but the math just doesn’t support this. I think they’re just trying to sound smarter and more well read than they are. Go fuck yourself.

Be Well Citizen.

ARRAssive Spending

2009-03-04T11:45:00.002-06:00

Shit looks official, doesn’t it?

Well I’m not here to talk about my prowess in MSPaint (not withstanding, I am pretty badass) but The American Reinvestment and Recovery Act. Otherwise known as Pie In The Sky.

I’m not in favor of any of these ‘stimulus bills’, as well documented, where we just hand out a check and say “get to work”. For instance, the story that I’m drawing on says that "The work begins today in Montgomery County, Maryland, where a work crew is starting on a project to resurface Maryland State Highway 650 -- a very busy road that has not been fully repaired in 17 years." by a locally owned resurfacing company that hired/re-hired 60 workers to get after the 2.1 million dollar project.

Now 60 workers isn’t a lot of economic growth for 2 million clams. But, if you consider just where all of it’s going, then it doesn’t look so bad. Let’s presume that America Infrastructure (the surfacing company) doesn’t make materials in house. The 60 workers they have are for pure labor. So, they hire out an independent contractor for the rock (blacktop). Then the producers, the drivers and the blasting crew all have work to do for the resurface. This is how Obama is getting his bloated numbers. Because he’s actually using a model introduced and much herald by Republicans called Trickle Down Economics. Well great for them.

Team Obama says the plan will create or save up to 3.5 million jobs over the next two years. Four-hundred thousand of those will be infrastructure jobs that include rebuilding roads, bridges and schools. With a brother in construction, this is obviously great news. It’s being called the largest infrastructure program since the Federal Highway System.

Now with $27 Billion being spent on infrastructure, that’s massive numbers folks, how much of it is actually going to be spent on infrastructure? You don’t think that every cent is going to be accounted for do you? Oh fucking hell no. It works far, far different than that.

Companies (like American Infrastructure) bid on job just like, say, an Advertising firm. The state (Maryland in this case) allots 2.1 million dollars for the project, then they take the lowest bid (for argument’s sake, lets say 1.5 million) and give them the ‘rights’ to said job. Then, the $600,000.00 dollar difference, the State will just pocket for some other trumped up shit. Like an emergency reserve fund (does an economy like this count as an emergency?) for pork projects later and not for say, lowering your taxes.

So, go ahead and times that by another 200 projects slated to begin in the next month and I think you can see the problem with Trickle Down.

I’m not saying that we don’t need these things but rather than spending money on shit we need, why don’t we take a hatchet to the Budget and stop spending money on shit we don’t need? Get our finances in order first, then start writing the check.
If you put the cart ahead of the donkey…

Be Well Citizen.

Snub-Nosed! Jindal Job

2009-03-03T12:04:00.003-06:00

How is it that every time someone gets a shot of Bobby Jindal, it looks like he’s getting ready to take a shot in the back of his throat?

Be Well Citizen.

Republican Gangsta: One Armed Midgets Not Amused

2009-02-19T11:42:00.007-06:00

Excuse me for a second…

AhahahahHAhahahHAhahAHAHAhahahahahaaaa…

So in a brazen attempt at courting Latino, Black and young voters… both urban and suburban, the RNC Chairman Michael Steele has pledged that they are going “off the hook” in the new campaign ads aimed at your kids and minorities, specifically the Mexican that cuts Mikes grass.

Take a look at this quote from the article in question. “Steele described the new multi-platform PR offensive as “avant-garde, technically. It will come to [the] table with things that will surprise everyone — off the hook.” Asked whether that meant cutting-edge tactics, Steele demurred. “I don't do 'cutting-edge,’” he said. “That's what Democrats are doing. We're going beyond cutting-edge.””

Now I don’t want you to think that I have a problem with courting voters considering that’s what all politicians do but come on now. This is just fucking pathetic. Democrats are doing ‘cutting edge’? What in the name of my sweet Aunt Petunia does that even fucking mean?

The RNC, being a black man himself, must think that talking down to hip-hoppers and like minded individuals will work in their favor. Well I don’t know about you but I’m fairly sure that we’ve already shown that Gen Y and Gen X, while for the most part are fucking stupid, the artists they listen to (which this new PR bullshit is clearly aimed at) are very smart. And they don’t deal well with being denigrated by some fucking loudmouth in a suit.

So by all means, take it to the streets. While you’re there, I’ll help myself to the same stereotype you’re already portraying with this PR stunt and I hope you get fucking shot. In the face. With a fucking canon. Full of nails.

While you’re at it: lay off the midgets.

I’m willing to bet he could kick the shit out of you.

Be Well Citizen.

The Tanners And One Alien Life Form: Party At Max's Place

2009-02-18T12:06:00.011-06:00

Today at The Angry Word, I noticed something far more disturbing my then mind of the tender age of 10 would allow at the time. More fucked up then Kimmy Gibbler naked, drunk and on your door step at 3 in the morning. Crazier than Mr. Woodchuck on a Oak Wood high. What could be this messed up? Well sit back and prepared to be blown.

Now we all know that those awesome people living and breathing in San Francisco, the Full House gang, were the Tanners right? We got Danny, DJ (Donna Jo), Steph and that ugly little vermin, Michelle. All Tanners. Toss in a Gladstone, some bad Beach Boys/Jessie and The Rippers jokes and 8 seasons of nonsense where not once did we get to see Candace Cameron’s tits, and you have the highest watched sitcom in history (at the time). But where did these wonderful characters come from?

Riverside, that’s where. A small town right next door to Bayside. Yes, the Bayside where Zack Morris and Gang tortured Mr. Belding all through high school.

So Riverside was just across the water ya see? That’s where the Tanners moved from right before the accident that claimed Danny’s wife and the mother of DJ, Steph and Michelle. Big City traffic ya know? That San Fran is a real bitch.

So in Riverside, Danny has a cousin right? A guy named Willie Tanner. Now Willie still lives in Riverside along with his wife, Kate, and their two children, Lynn and Brian. Now Willie here is an amateur radio fan. In a shitty moment of bonding with his son, Brian, he leaves the radio on and in the middle of the night, the radio acting as a beacon for shitty plot-ridden reality shows, has an Alien Life Form crash through the roof of his garage! One visitor from Melmac later and wouldn’t you know it, you’ve got 4 seasons of awesome TV.

By the by, In Saved By The Bell, Samuel “Screech” Powers also seems to know Alf. How this is, remains a mystery considering that by the time Screech would have mentioned his buddy Alf, he would have been taken away by the Alien Task Force and the remaining Riverside Tanners would have relocated to Iceland by 1990. I’m still looking into this bit of trivia and with so many conspiracies ongoing in California; it’s hard to say if I’ll ever solve it.

So why doesn’t Danny ever mention Alf or his cousin Willie? After pouring through old news clippings and microfilm in the Bayside Library, the best I can piece together is when Alf bombed through the stratosphere, led on by Willies amateur radio (remember?), he streaked across the sky near San Francisco, causing Danny’s wife’s car to run off the road, resulting in her death. Now when Danny found out about this, he swore revenge on Willie and was actively working with the ATF (Alien Task Force) to hunt this cat-eating asshole down. So when you’re in the kind of position, you don’t say nothing. You keep it to yourself and when the time is right, you extract revenge. You call ATF, get Alf chopped up in to little bits and force Willie and his family to relocate. But you never, ever, give away your deepest dark secrets. Danny Tanner knew this. This is why it was never mentioned on Full House other than a few passing moments by that douche Joey. Alf was on a hit list and every Tanner had a reason. Is it any wonder that son of a bitch popped back up doing 10-10-220 commercials?

I think not.

Be Well Citizen

Accurate Accuracy

2009-02-10T11:43:00.005-06:00

Seriously, is there a better way to put this?

President Obama insisting that this gets done fast, rather than accurately, bothers the ever living fuck out of me. I don’t have an inherent problem with a stimulus per se, I have a problem in which it’s being done.

Both Republican and Democrat have their heads up their asses. Dems want 827 billion but Repubs say no, too expensive, so we’re going to pull 600 million out of the stimulus that would otherwise fund Title 1, No Child Left Behind, which, ironically enough, is a fucking Republican program. Well I’m sorry but if you’re going to saddle a country with the worst education program in history, short of single room school houses with charcoal based writing tablets, then you damn well better fucking fund it. It’s no wonder that in a poll of countries leading the world in Science Education, America is so far from the top of that list, hell so far from the top twenty on that list, we might as well not even be on it, we should be the guy doing the fucking data entry for that poll.

Granted, this is just one of the problems that the Republican National Morality-Guard has posed, the Democrats are not immune to bullshit either. You thought I was going to let them off the hook, didn’t you?

Not a chance.

Nancy Pelosi and her bag of crowbars are fucking this one up too. Can it really be that hard to not act like a bitch with a skinned knee? Since 2006, she’s been running her mouth off to anyone that will listen and there are a lot of you fuckers out there. Fortunately, I’ve largely been able to ignore her ramblings but this is just petty.

When asked about the partisanship of the stimulus bill and the potential for actively working with Republicans on this, Nancy Pelosi, House Speaker, said to the effect of “I work for the American People, not the Republican lapdogs in Congress.” If that isn’t just snarky as shit, I don’t know what is. Fact is, this ‘stimulus’ was loading with a bunch of bullshit. It was. Can’t deny it. But, I wonder if it was because of the last 8 years where (Democrats) we didn’t get so much as a kick in the ass to bump us down the road.

Regardless, this bill is expected to pass in its current form, signed off by enough Democrats and Republicans to make it and all will supposedly be wonderful in the land of OZ. Well I don’t care how hard they sell this thing, I ain’t fucking buying.

So, do you think that they should have 200 million towards new construction of schools and 600 million dollars for border patrol along Canada OR do you think that the Canadian border can sit so far wide open it might as well be Paris Hiltons legs and we take that 600 million and put that into new schools too?

Yea, I thought so too.

Mr. President, members of Congress, all of you should read this little fable by Aesop called The Tortoise and The Hare. It’s about slowing down, taking your time and DOING THINGS FUCKING RIGHT FOR ONCE. As soon as you worthless politicians get it through your fat fuck heads that accuracy is far, far more important than speed, the better of all of us poor tortoises will be.

LATE ENTRY: About 30 minutes before this went to publish, the Obamanites unveiled how they are going to handle the rest of the money from TARP. ‘Seeding’ the big banks with 100 billion dollars and hoping for a trickle down. Great job you fuckers. Why don’t you just have McClane throw the cash on top of the raging inferno that was Nakatomi Plaza? Can we please come up with a good idea for once? I lived through the 80’s once already.

Be Well Citizen.

What Do You Mean I Don't Have Any Money?!

2009-02-04T11:51:00.001-06:00

You don’t have any money! Check your wallet. Check your savings and checking accounts. That’s not money. I know you think it is but in fact it’s called Fiat Currency. Those paper bills, can be worthless tomorrow. “Wait!” you say. “I worked hard for my money!” That may be, but that paper only has value because an independent organization says it does. It’s like when your older prick brother got to tell you how much your play money was worth when you were kids, then changed his mind to fuck with you.

Say it with me “Fuck you older brother Ben Bernanke!” Welcome to the awesome game called the “Federal Reserve is stupid and is playing loose with your money” game. This “independent organization” fucks with your money through a process of interest and inflation/deflation. But really the point is your money is credit. There is no physical value to your money.

I suggest making your own currency based on the gold standard. Then hand out loans only for the amount that your stash of gold can cover. Ask your friends to join you in buying gold and loaning it out in your own promissory notes. When the soulless credit system we use nationally collapses (ask how many people are in credit debt), people will use your promissory notes based on the gold you bought. Why? Because gold is accepted pretty much anywhere. Except maybe places where they still wear loincloths, speak in clicks and whistles, and everyone chips in to build the main village hut.

Once again, “Fuck you older brother Ben Bernanke, and your elitist rich corporate friends”

As Thomas Jefferson said: “If the American people ever allow private banks to control the issue of their money, first by inflation and then by deflation, the banks and corporations that will grow up around them will deprive the people of their property until their children will wake up homeless on the continent their fathers conquered.”

But What Do I Know?

JDAM Abraham

The Lazarus Equation

2009-02-02T14:52:00.005-06:00

Mary and I were on the road this weekend and I brought up a hypothetical about resurrection. Far too many people are taken before their time and some go at exactly the right moment but still leaves us with a ‘God Damn It, Wish S/He Was Still Around’ feeling. After running the gamut of possible names that we wouldn’t mind, I thought I’d ask the masses what they thought. So… wagons ho.

Over in the pages of DC’s Batman, The Lazarus Pit is a fictional pool of chemicals and compounds that allows the user to resurrect an individual, doesn’t matter who, they want returned to life and renewed health. For our purposes, this pit only returns the dead. Much like Jesus and the reported events in Bethany, if we had the power, who would it be?

The rules are simple:

1: One pit, one life.
2: No resurrection for personal gain. (No loved ones)
3: Must be a person that all knew. (Celebrities and whatnot)
4: They will be returned to life (de-aged but with full knowledge) in the present day.

Before you jump in half-cocked, think about the gains or negative impacts that it would have on society as a whole.

For instance; I wouldn’t bring Hitler back to life. I think we can all universally agree that that would be a bad thing and I’m not even Jewish. I wouldn’t return Ghengis Khan to terrorize Central Asia and its entire population. Hell, I wouldn’t even bring back Jim Henson because aside from Statler and Waldorf, the Muppets sucked.

Now, you may be wondering who I would bring back and frankly, I have to break my own damn rules because I’m going to break them into categories.

Music: Darrell Lance Abbott: August 20, 1966 – December 8, 2004

Many know my love for this guitarist known simply as Dime. The Father of Power Groove and wildly herald as the greatest metal guitarist to ever walk the Earth. Cranking vulgar displays of power all over the scene. Dime was gunned down and murdered onstage by a piece of shit named Nathan Gale during a Damageplan performance at the Alrosa Villa in Columbus, Ohio. Leaving fans, his brother and his lifemate stunned by this senseless act. He was 38.

Movies: Heath Andrew Ledger: April 4, 1979 – January 22, 2008

I know what everyone is thinking but come on, if you saw The Dark Knight, Brokeback Mountain and Monster’s Ball, you knew, just knew, this guy was going to be something else. I enjoyed the hell out of his films, even that shit hole of a film A Knight’s Tale. I was looking forward to more of his performances and I’m not just riding the crowd here, I really did like the cat as an actor. He died way to young at 28.

Random: Walter Matthau, errr... Albert Einstein: March 14, 1879 – April, 18 1955

Is it cliché? Sure, of course it is. But please, I defy you to think of another human being that brought so much too so many fields. The guy was into everything. They didn’t give him a Nobel Prize and have Walt play him in a movie for nothing. Dude was a Partical Pimp. Don’t take my word for it, look for yourself. Can you imagine what he could do today?

So my list has 3. Well I’m the writer; I’ll have as many as I fucking want. Now there’s only one thing you have to ask yourself; Who Is My Choice?

Pass it on, ask your friends, your Professors, hell, ask your boss. He might want to bring back Henry Ford and kill his ass again for fucking up the work week and minimum wage. Ya never know…

Be Well Citizen.

Snub-Nosed! Invisible Jets

2009-01-30T12:18:00.003-06:00

So the other day, Magnum Mary and myself are heading to work and we almost get hit by some fuck watching Madagascar in his SUV. He whipped into our lane like we weren’t even there and didn’t so much as even tap on his brakes.

Now, this has been a long standing joke between Mary and me because we realize that after 40 near misses in our car, which is red and hard to miss even in a whiteout, we’ve come to realize that our car was once owned by Wonder Woman. She of the Invisible Jet.

Look close, can you see it?

I can’t tell if it’s us or the fact that everyone in Iowa is clearly blind as hell. The next car we get, I’m going mock it up like the Ecto-1.

Then we’ll see what’s really going on. Is it a sheeny curse or something even more dire? Only time will tell…

Be Well Citizen

From My Cold Dead Hands

2009-01-27T12:13:00.004-06:00

Some of you still remember the cold war and space superiority right? Well there’s an article on the wire about Obama wanting to join the military space program with NASA. This reminded me quite a bit of the 80’s and the SDI program, a.k.a Star Wars or as I like to call it, Ronald’s Raygun.

Reagan had many detractors to his proposed space weapons. Arguments like, our nation didn’t need science fiction gobbledygook that doesn’t work yet. It’s more pork barrel Republican spending. Only a warmonger would put guns in space. Shit like that. Maybe we needed a space Brady Bill.

The SDI program was intended to enable the U.S. to shoot down nuclear missiles in flight or even on the ground. Shoot them before they can get their gun out. Mobile ICBMs could move throughout the incredibly large Russian territory and launch without fear of being found by our awesome long-range bombers. The SDI was meant to put an end to the U.S. fears. Shoot the commies from space. Before the controversy was resolved, the Russian government collapsed. No need for SDI. No need to fear death from above. No need to keep a gun in the house.

Guess what? Now the Chinese are showing their proficiency with the vacuum of space. You heard it called sword rattling when the Chinese showed they could shoot stuff out of orbit. Of course, we did the same shortly after. So, Obama is thinking of putting the civilian NASA organization in joint operations with the U.S. military. For “peace-keeping” operations I’m sure. SDI: episode two anyone?

Great! Let’s shoot them down before they get the higher ground. Let’s make sure we have our space rifles ready. Let’s resurrect the dried up bones of Heston. Let’s make sure that when our nation forgets about how Obama further militarized space and are saying “he needs to talk it out like he said he would”, that his space bullets are close to where he keeps the gun. Let’s start a space NRA and when they cross the space fence to come take our resources and guns he’ll say “From my cold dead hand.”.

But What Do I Know?

JDAM Abraham

I'll Take Random Word Pairings For 400 Alex!

2009-01-27T12:04:00.003-06:00

Recently I was in Dallas, TX for the 73rd Annual Cotton Bowl between the Texas Tech Red Raiders and the Ole Miss Rebels (University of Mississippi). It was a great game, but I’m sure you’re sitting there wondering what the hell that has to do with Kitchen Dog Theater…

My friend Bobb and I were on our Cotton Bowl pub crawl the night before the game. We were in the Uptown district of Dallas. On our way from on bar to the next, we passed a building with the sign above. I was dumbfounded. Kitchen Dog Theater? What the hell is that?!

So I started thinking, ‘maybe I should go in.’ Then again, how would I know what the standard going price for said Kitchen Dog Theater is. How do I know if I’m getting a good price? Am I paying too much for this Kitchen Dog Theater or is it a steal? Or is it really something I wanna see anyway? I mean it could be some kind of Kinky Kelly thing that I don’t really need to see. Is it a dog, on stage, cooking? If that were the case, I’d totally be interested in seeing something like that.

So then Bobb and I started wondering if they just put three random words together. Why isn’t it Hibachi Poodle Playhouse? Well I guess people could get confused and think they were going to a place where they kill poodles and grill them on this big freakhog grill, which I could see as problematic. Oh, by the way, we also found out that on some phones if you try to text freaking then T9 will put “freakhog” instead. Yeah, ‘cause that’s a word.

So, of course, curiosity got the cat. Or did the kitchen dog? I had to Google the damn Kitchen Dog Theater. Kind of wish I wouldn’t have. The mystery was much better than the real answer. So, I’m not going to spoil it for you and let you come up with your own conclusion(s).

But, if you feel the necessity…

That’s It. I’m Done.

The Number 44

2009-01-21T12:13:00.003-06:00

Day 1 of a New Hope. I'll make this short and to the point for all of us: Don't fuck this up.

Be Well Citizen

The Last Time We Hear Vocal Retardism

2009-01-16T11:53:00.005-06:00

Bush’s farewell address was a little lacking in the truthiness department, so I’ve taking the liberty of updating it to include his thoughts as well. When a man with a clear forehead makes a national address, it’s very hard not to notice these things. My… edits, if you will, will be in red.

Thank you. Fellow citizens, for eight years, it has been my honor to serve as your president. Well, President to some of you anyway.

The first decade of this new century has been a period of consequence, a time set apart.

Tonight, with a thankful heart, I have asked for a final opportunity to share some thoughts on the journey we have traveled together and the future of our nation.

Five days from now, the world will witness the vitality of American democracy. In a tradition dating back to our founding, the presidency will pass to a successor chosen by you, the American people. Except that one time when I stole the election from Al Gore because I sued his goofy northern ass. So ya know, all that time until now. Because I make the tough decisions. Standing on the steps of the Capitol will be a man whose history reflects the enduring promise of our land. When we finally said, “ok, you’re not 3/5ths of a human being, stop picking our cotton and get to the dinner table”. Heh, heh, heh.

This is a moment of hope and pride for our whole nation. And I join all Americans in offering best wishes to President-elect Obama, his wife, Michelle, and their two beautiful girls.

Tonight, I am filled with gratitude to Vice President Cheney for eating so many babies and shooting that loud mouth in the face. That was awesome, heh. And members of the administration; to Laura, who brought joy to this house and love to my life when she held my head out of the toilet when I was in coke detox; to our wonderful daughters, Barbara and Jenna; to my parents, whose examples have provided strength for a lifetime. I also want to thank Dana Perino for taking that shoe to her face when I ducked it with my cat like reflexes and speed. I’m super.

And above all, I thank the American people for the trust you have given me. I thank you for the prayers that have lifted my spirits. And I thank you for the countless acts of courage, generosity and grace that I have witnessed these past eight years. Because the Lord knows didn’t have the moral strength to do them myself. Like Katrina, whoa I screwed that one up. No more Mardi Gras for me. Use your sad face now.

This evening, my thoughts return to the first night I addressed you from this house, September 11, 2001. That morning, terrorists took nearly 3,000 lives in the worst attack on America since Pearl Harbor.

I remember standing in the rubble of the World Trade Center three days later, because I couldn’t be interrupted until I finished My Pet Goat, surrounded by rescuers who had been working around the clock. I remember talking to brave souls who charged through smoke-filled corridors at the Pentagon and to husbands and wives whose loved ones became heroes aboard Flight 93.

I remember Arlene Howard, who gave me her fallen son's police shield as a reminder of all that was lost. And I still carry his badge. Right here in my pocket… makes me feel like a cowboy.

As the years passed, most Americans were able to return to life much as it had been before 9/11. But I never did. Now I had to do something. I couldn’t just skate this one out like all my other jobs. Use your sad face again Georgie-boy, they eat it up. Every morning, I received a briefing on the threats to our nation. And I vowed to do everything in my power to keep us safe from ourselves.

Over the past seven years, a new Department of Homeland Security has been created. The military, the intelligence community and the FBI have been transformed. Our nation is equipped with new tools to monitor the terrorists' movements, freeze their finances and break up their plots. And yours. All your travel plans and library books belong to us.

And with strong allies at our side, like Turkey with their 8 man fighting brigade and Canada’s 120 soldiers, but mostly just yours and your neighbors kids, I’ve taken the fight to the terrorists and those who support them. Afghanistan has gone from a nation where the Taliban harbored al Qaeda and stoned women in the streets to a young democracy that is fighting terror and encouraging girls to go to school. But still killing everyone in sight. So not much has changed. You can eat hotdogs there now. Mmmm, I love hotdogs.

Iraq has gone from a brutal dictatorship and a sworn enemy of America to an Arab democracy at the heart of the Middle East and a friend of the United States.

There is legitimate debate about many of these decisions, but there can be little debate about the results. I blew it. Totally and ultimately but now it’s the black kids problem, heh, heh. No argument there.

America has gone more than seven years without another terrorist attack on our soil. This is a tribute to those who toil day and night to keep us safe -- law enforcement officers, intelligence analysts, homeland security and diplomatic personnel, and the men and women of the United States armed forces. But really, it went almost 60 years to the day without one, unless you count the American born nutbags who blew shit up in America in between that time. So, call it luck of the draw. Either way, good job me. Thank you me.

Our nation is blessed to have citizens who volunteer to defend us in this time of danger. I have cherished meeting these selfless patriots and their families. And America owes you a debt of gratitude. Except for those suckers in the National Guard. Man, you guys got hosed. And to all our men and women in uniform listening tonight, there has been no higher honor than serving as your commander in chief.

The battles waged by our troops are part of a broader struggle between two dramatically different systems. Under one, a small band of fanatics demands total obedience to an oppressive ideology, condemns women to subservience and marks unbelievers for murder.

The other system is based on the conviction that freedom is the universal gift of Almighty God and that liberty and justice light the path to peace. But ultimately, this one is a small band of fanatics that demand total obedience to an oppressive ideology also. Go Elephants!

This is the belief that gave birth to our nation. And in the long run, advancing this belief is the only practical way to protect our citizens.

When people live in freedom, they do not willingly choose leaders who pursue campaigns of terror. Except for me. All 49% of you, thanks. I like terror. When people have hope in the future, they will not cede their lives to violence and extremism.

So around the world, America is promoting human liberty, human rights and human dignity. Unless you actually live here, then you’re fucked. We are standing with dissidents and young democracies, providing AIDS medicine to bring dying patients back to life, and sparing mothers and babies from malaria. And this great republic, born alone in liberty, is leading the world toward a new age when freedom belongs to all nations.

For eight years, we have also strived to expand opportunity and hope here at home. Across our country, students are rising to meet higher standards in public schools. A new Medicare prescription drug benefit is bringing peace of mind to seniors and the disabled. Every taxpayer pays lower income taxes. Which is why I leave you with a insurmountable debt. Good luck fuckers.

The addicted and suffering are finding new hope through faith- based programs. Vulnerable human life is better protected. Funding for our veterans has nearly doubled. America's air, water and lands are measurably cleaner. And the federal bench includes wise new members, like Justice Sam Alito and Chief Justice John Roberts. Who vote my way or the highway.

When challenges to our prosperity emerged, we rose to meet them. Facing the prospect of a financial collapse, we took decisive measures to safeguard our economy. These are very tough times for hardworking families, but the toll would be far worse if we had not acted.

All Americans are in this together. And together, with determination and hard work, we will restore our economy to the path of growth. We will show the world once again the resilience of America's free enterprise system.

Like all who have held this office before me, I have experienced setbacks and there are things I would do differently, if given the chance.

Yet, I've always acted with the best interests of our country in mind. I have followed my conscience and done what I thought was right. You may not agree with some tough decisions I have made, but I hope you can agree that I was willing to make the tough decisions. Even if they screwed the entire populace of Iraq, Afghanistan and New Orleans.

The decades ahead will bring more hard choices for our country, and there are some guiding principles that should shape our course.

While our nation is safer than it was seven years ago, the gravest threat to our people remains another terrorist attack. Our enemies are patient and determined to strike again.

America did nothing to seek or deserve this conflict except totally stick our face in places it didn’t belong, like Palestine for the last 50 years. But we have been given solemn responsibilities, and we must meet them. We must resist complacency. We must keep our resolve. And we must never let down our guard.

At the same time, we just continue to engage the world with confidence and clear purpose. In the face of threats from abroad, it can be tempting to seek comfort by turning inward. But we must reject isolationism and its companion, protectionism.

Retreating behind our borders would only invite danger. In the 21st century, security and prosperity at home depend on the expansion of liberty abroad. If America does not lead the cause of freedom, that cause will not be led. Cause I’m the leader.

As we address these challenges, and others we cannot foresee tonight, America must maintain our moral clarity. The moral clarity that defies reason and logic. Remember, we can do no wrong in the world.

I have often spoken to you about good and evil, and this has made some uncomfortable. But good and evil are present in this world and between the two, there can be no compromise. Murdering the innocent to advance an ideology is wrong every time, everywhere. Unless you’re brown and it’s the USA. We totally rule. Heh.

Freeing people from oppression and despair is eternally right. This nation must continue to speak out for justice and truth. We must always be willing to act in their defense and to advance the cause of peace.

President Thomas Jefferson once wrote, "I like the dreams of the future better than the history of the past." As I leave the house he occupied two centuries ago, I share that optimism.

America is a young country, full of vitality, constantly growing and renewing itself. And even in the toughest times, we lift our eyes to the broad horizon ahead.

I have confidence in the promise of America because I know the character of our people. This is a nation that inspires immigrants to risk everything for the dream of freedom. And when they get here, we turn them around to go right back to where they came from.

This is a nation where citizens show calm in times of danger and compassion in the face of suffering. We see examples of America's character all around us, and Laura and I have invited some of them to join us in the White House this evening.

We see America's character in Dr. Tony Recasner, a principal who opened a new charter school from the ruins of Hurricane Katrina. Because I promised to do everything in the power of the Federal Government to fix New Orleans but I got sidetracked with a game of Scrabble. We see it in Julio Medina, a former inmate who leads a faith-based program to help prisoners returning to society. We see it in Staff Sgt. Aubrey McDade, who charged into an ambush in Iraq and rescued three of his fellow Marines.

We see America's character in Bill Krissoff, a surgeon from California. His son Nathan, a Marine, gave his life in Iraq. When I met Dr. Krissoff and his family, he delivered some surprising news. He told me he wanted to join the Navy Medical Corps in honor of his son. This good man was 60 years old, 18 years above the age limit. But his petition for a waiver was granted, and for the past year he has trained in battlefield medicine. Lt. Cmdr. Krissoff could not be here tonight, because he will soon deploy to Iraq, where he will help save America's wounded warriors and uphold the legacy of his fallen son that I helped kill.

In citizens like these, we see the best of our country, resilient and hopeful, caring and strong. These virtues give me an unshakable faith in America. We have faced danger and trial, and there is more ahead.

But with the courage of our people and confidence in our ideals, this great nation will never tire, never falter and never fail.

It has been the privilege of a lifetime to serve as your president. There have been good days and tough days. But every day, I have been inspired by the greatness of our country and uplifted by the goodness of our people and your tax dollars to do what ever I wanted. Thanks a bunch.

I have been blessed to represent this nation we love. And I will always be honored to carry a title that means more to me than any other citizen of the United States of America. The Decider. That’s right, I love that shit.

And so, my fellow Americans, for the final time, good night. May God bless this house and our next president. And may God bless you and our wonderful country. I can’t believe I pulled that off…

And there you have it fellow Americans. The big guy’s final address. It’s over. Baring some sort of nuclear meltdown, he can do no more harm. Thanks for all the laughs Mr. Bush, now kindly go die on a trail in Texas somewhere.

Be Well Citizen.

Ghetto Christmas 2008

2009-01-14T12:22:00.002-06:00

‘Twas da night befo' Ghetto Christmas & all in the hood, not a homie was stirrin cuz it was all good.

It’s time to head into the breach that is Ghetto Christmas. Busting out of Urbandale on Saturday, December 27, 2008, eight strangers gathered once more to prove just how awesomely stupid-awesome the holidays can be. And to fight for justice…

Gathering at our not-so-secret-anymore headquarters, we assembled with much impunity to down the source of our power. The 40 oz’s that give rock and roll its Return Of Bruno, the Rodeo Burger it’s sesame-seedless bun and our story’s crime fighters, their breath-taking armor. So, at the crack of 8 PM, as per tradition, we raced to the beginning of the end. For once our costume is donned; it can not be removed until sun-up. (Either that or if you puke first, then it’s probably ok to shed grandmas sweater)

With 40 oz’s of brew-ha-ha in hand, our first champion was a new come to our league, the Mighty Chris, warrior supreme.

Read to slay any dragon-women we need with home made gladiator helm in hand, crafted by the armorer, Irv. Who oddly enough wound up with brother armor to Chris, from Kiley (also a new comer this year) in the form of I Love Cock shirts. Go figure.

Now that the first costume was being readied, the players started to fall in line fast. One after another, we sucked back the full 40 and reached for glory, snagging a bag they weren’t that afraid of and we got 3 avengers, with 2 capes between them, to match our 2 cock lovers, a Perfect fucking 10, a pumpkin cowboy;

And one Hello Kitty Glove!

To form the most awesome team of drinkers of all time!

With no shows by Sedg and Rusty, the former being in New York and the latter being a gigantic pussy, keeping the sacred Most Valuable Giver jersey away from it’s proper annual owner (which I still think he should be banned for life from the Great Council for) we were down two men but would this stop us? NO! We raced for the Drink-mobiles and headed to the nearest establishment that needed our brand of help.

Pumpkin Cowboy’s war journal – Entry 1: Patty’s on Douglas; We ran into a group of false witnesses that bore an uncanny trademark violation:

Mass drinks consumed. Many stares. Karaoke brought up. I think this is a great idea.

Pumpkin Cowboy’s war journal – Entry 2: The Game on 86th; Buckets and buckets of beer are bought. One our trusty women side-kicks are starting to blitzkrieg the alcohol and shall be paying a price later. Names are put with the mega-dyke running the wailers for the deaf. (That’s karaoke for you laymen’s.) and one wise rendition of Fuck Her Gently later and we’re off.

Pumpkin Cowboy’s war journal – Final Entry: The Garage on whatever street. Many ShotSkies later, all of us are sufficiently blitzed. Can’t feel fingers and I no longer feel stupid in Chris’s grandmum’s sweater and pumpkin shirt. Must seek breakfast.

Suffice to say, the greatest superhero story and fictional holiday of all time was a great time. I have no idea who puked or if anyone even did, who got laid (but I have my suspicions) or what happened because after some no shows to interupt my fabulous B & G breakfast, I promtply passed the hell out.

To the new comers, hope to see you next year. To the returning champions, next year you’re all dead. The MVG shall be mine.

Be Well Citizen

In A World Of Savages

2009-01-05T21:37:00.002-06:00

One drunken night I stumbled upon a little movie called The Savages. This movie brings up words that I don’t really know the meaning of like, poignant, and phrases like, satirical black humor. Really what it made me consider were words like death, and phrases like, strangely real life. No, there aren’t any bright shiny explosions or surprise twists your friends have to explain to you later, just boring old human drama.

The point is, it brings up ideas about the current life many of us have to face. One of which is the aging and eventual degradation of the human form. What will it be like to “have to deal with” an aging parent? Thank you, modern medicine. Suddenly the family roles are reversed and the child is taking care of the parent. Ha ha whore mom, ha ha drunk abusive guy I call dad. Of course, this doesn’t just apply to you taking care of your parents; this is your kids taking care of you.

It’s interesting to think that as you fuck up your kids, the same way your parents fucked you up, that it will come back on you. Attribute it to “what comes around goes around” or some other packaged philosophy. So as your body becomes more lenient on when it relaxes your bowels and your mind goes on trips of its own while you try to hold conversations, the nurse that’s changing your diapers and cleaning your bed sores doesn’t really like you either.

Remember, the worms bring sweet release to those responsible for you.

But What Do I Know?

JDAM Abraham

Road House For The Blind

2009-01-02T12:19:00.004-06:00

While I was doing ‘a year in review’ for The Angry Word, which of course I didn’t post because A: I’m lazy and B: it sucked, I happened upon a story about Jeff Healey while attempting the Obituary portion of the blog.

Jeff Healey was a Canadian guitarist, avid jazz lover, a ridiculous vinyl collector, a husband and a father of two. He was also blind as shit. See, he lost his eyes to a cancer called Retinoblastoma which ultimately took not only his eyesight but his physical eyes as well.

Some of you might even recognize the dude from Road House. Ya know, with everyone’s favorite rough voiced bastard Sam Elliot and Patrick no one gives a shit about you anymore Swayze?

By the way, if you go ahead and seek out Road House 2: The Last Call, don’t say I didn’t warn you because it will give you eye cancer too. At least you’ll pray that it does so you don’t have to watch that piece of shit ever again.

Anyway, this isn’t about Jeff Healey or even Road House but about the handicap.

Yea, those dregs on society that couldn’t manage to have the decency to just die already. This morning I was using the elevator in my office building (the ultimate fuck you to the cripples, my office is on the second floor) and I noticed the brail on the elevator buttons. Not a big deal I know BUT to even get to the elevator in this building you have to come through 2 sets of doors and a set of steps. So it occurs to me that if they can manage that much hassle, why in the fuck would they need the brail? Way I figure, they’re pretty damn able-body to me and shouldn’t need the bumps. So, if they can’t make it through the mini-obstacle course to get to the elevator, why should the brail buttons be there to begin with?

Another thing, brail on drive up ATM’s should never have been invented either. Think about this for a second. It’s not as if a blind man is going to drive up to said ATM, right? Right. Ok, so I know what you’re thinking: “But what about those that walk up to the drive-up ATM? Huh, smarty-pants?” Well I’ve got news for you, you fucking politically correct sheep, they already have those, and it’s called a fucking bank teller! Walk your blind ass inside.

I’ve never understood the need for special things when all (stereotype alert!) people with disabilities claim they are just as able-bodied as the rest of us. Well bullshit. If that was the case there wouldn’t be 40 handicap parking stalls out side the front doors of Walmart. By the way, if you’re so fucking fat you have to use the scooters with shopping carts on the front of them, maybe it would be a good thing if starting walking the aisles like the rest of us. Clearly you need the exercise you fat fucker. It’s a self-feeding problem (Ha! Double zing!)

As my brother just informed me, a city will spend a quarter of a million dollars annually on concrete contracts with his company for little orange bumpers.

They have to rip out good concrete and replace it with a piece of plastic so the blind know when to stop walking. Well I say fuck’em. If you’re blind, use the god damn stick they give you at blind school.

Be Well Citizen.

New Years Fancy

2008-12-31T11:47:00.002-06:00

Nothing here to see, nothing attempting to be clever for you to read. I would like to leave this with you however, a quote, on the importance of leaving one year for another like a jilted lover.

You can never plan the future by the past.

Edmund Burke (January 12, 1729 - July 9, 1797

Be Well Citizen.

Merry Christmas Morons

2008-12-23T15:00:00.006-06:00

It’s come to my attention that many of you among the flock take your religion seriously. That’s just swell, I would like to think that I do too. Unlike the majority of my constituents I have a need, an obsessive disorder if you will, to find out everything that I can about those topics that guide my beliefs and values and all that horseshit. My disorder is summed up in the notion that I need to know where something came from. “What the fuck is this guy talking about?” and “Who the fuck cares?” Well for instance, the symbols that I choose to place meaning into, I like to know where they came from. The beings (yes I said beings, I’m a heathen) that I choose to acknowledge (I don’t worship); I like to know where they came from.

Let’s take a look at the man of the hour, Jesus Christ, shall we?

Don’t roll your eyes at me. This is a conversation about Christ and his relation to the Holiday. This is not a bash blog on religion. I happen to like every value that is attributed to Jesus. I DO NOT HATE JESUS! Actually he’s a great Buddhist and I like the part where he throws the coffers from the temple, good shit.

Now back to Jesus, son of God, Born of the Virgin Birth. Three wise men followed the Star in the East yada yada yada. He’s a sharp lookin guy right?

So, the story of his birth begins on a night when the pregnant Virgin Mary and Joseph (I’m guessing Jesus’ older brothers weren’t there?) needed shelter for the night. Cuz the Virgin was gonna burst with the Son of God. No one wanted their beggar asses around, or some shit, and the only place they could find to stay was a manger or stable. On the way were the 3 wise men or the 3 Magi. I don’t know what makes them wise, but they were going to meet the new King of the World, our buddy Jesus. Well how did they know about the birth of the newborn king? Why, they were into the science of the time, astrology of course, and they knew the Star of Bethlehem would point them in the right direction. (I’m assuming this part and I REALLY hate to assume but consider the story). There they were; the Virgin Mary, Joseph and the 3 Magi who followed the Eastern Star.

And there they admired the newborn king. Awwwww.

Our good buddy Jesus goes through his life and performs miracles such as feeding the masses with five loaves of bread and two fish (maybe I’ll go into that at another time). Cool right? In time he acquires 12 disciples.

He’s the rebellious Jew leader fighting the Jewish hierarchy, like in the torture fest shown in Mel Gibson’s movie. He gets turned in by the mook of the 12 for 30 silver. Why wouldn’t you turn a man that can raise the dead man El-Azareth (never mind, that was the guy that the Egyptian god Horus raised)… sorry, Lazarus. I mean it’s not like he can perform miracles or curses right? He dies on the cross and 3 days later rises from the dead to one day return and take us all to some place called Heaven. Wow, now that’s a good buddy. That’s a guy you invite to your house and tell’em he can sleep with your wife.

So let’s talk a minute about the 3 wise guys. They follow the star to where the birth of Jesus will be. Let’s fantasize a little bit and think that the old wizards of the past put their science into stories to pass on to each other, as well the remembrance and adherence by the uneducated masses, like those crazy Egyptians did.

The major elements of their part would be the 3 wise men and the star in the east. Well what if the story was an allegory for their science, a way to pass on important knowledge and ideas? Let’s look at the story in an allegorical way. Let’s use the science of the time: astrology. Since we’re gonna use astrology, let’s make all the characters stars. The 3 wise men, Virgin Mary, the Star of Bethlehem and let’s make the newborn a star as well, suppose the title of Jesus was The Sun of God. The 3 stars of Orion’s belt would be the wise men, and the star Sirius is the Star of Bethlehem. Then I suppose the picture below would make sense, and look at the Egyptian pyramid picture above again.

Let’s pretend the story about the birth of the Son of God, Jesus, is a story about the birth of the Sun of God. Hmmmm. Well are their any corresponding events with the sun around the 25th of December? Sure there are. Every year the sun gradually rises lower and lower in the sky from the longest day of the year until it finally stops rising on the lowest point, on the shortest day of the year, December 22nd. It’s almost like it’s not there. Maybe he’s in the underground world of the dead, oh no! Wait, that’s every other solar god mythos. My bad, Jesus isn’t a myth. So the sun stays that way for 3 days, until December 25th. When it magically resurrects and slowly lasts longer and longer until the longest day of the year.

Where’s the Virgin Mother you ask? The Latin word for Virgin is Virgo. “I know a Virgo!” you say? I bet she’s not a virgin though. Am I right? Or am I right?

On the 25th of December the Sun just so happens to rise in the constellation of Virgo, A constellation the “primitives” associated with the Mother Goddess Isis, Inanna, Ishtar and apparently Mother Mary. The Son rising through the Virgin Mother while 3 wise men watch. The Sun rising through the constellation Virgo while 3 stars of Orion’s belt watch. Yeah, that does correspond to our story. Happy birthday Sun.

So why are there 12 disciples?

There are 12 symbols in astrology? Hmmmmm.

I personally like Da Vinci’s approach to his occult paintings. Let’s look at that famous one where everyone’s eating and getting drunk.

Ok, I know all you Dan Brown fans out there are used to this picture, but that’s a silly story and completely pointless beyond fantasy. Look closely at all 12 of them slowly. Why are they sitting by groups of 3? That’s right, look again. 4 groups of 3. Suppose we were to put them on that circle astrology chart everyone likes to show with the Son, I mean Sun in the middle. Kinda looks like a calendar dividing the 4 seasons with the Sun in the middle.

Wow allegory is awesome when communicating to the masses that can’t read or write. Wait! Is that the sun on the cross that divides the seasons? It sure is. Holy crap, it’s like there is a bunch of solar worship in early civilizations! Who’d of Thoth? I mean thought.

So thank you buddy Jesus for being born, hanging on the cross, as well as forgiving my sins. I’m not really sure how I as a small being in this huge universe could ever offend an all knowing omnipotent being… oh yea I don’t believe in sin or worship.

But what do I know?

JDAM Abraham

If you’d like to know more about the origins of Christianity, look up the meeting at Nicaea. It’s where the Roman Emperor decided to make Christianity an actual religion. As well as a book called The World's Sixteen Crucified Saviors Christianity Before Christ. It’s opinionated but people write books to touch immortality, so what can you do but take it for what you can. Also, I’m not going to touch other icons of the season like Santa Clause and his reindeer, the elves, the tree, or the star at the top and the ornaments. I can only suggest you read up on the myth of Balder for stuff like, why mistletoe is so famous. You may find Qabalah interesting also.

How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb

2008-12-22T11:41:00.002-06:00

Handgun here.

Here at The Angry Word we're forever looking for new material to bitch about. Fortunately politics and general stupidity (go humanity!) keeps us busy. Even so, we're only quasi-mortal and can't possible keep up with everything in the world (or the underworld for that matter) so it's time to introduce a new writer once again!

After lengthy discussions about pay and just how many virgins he gets to sacrifice in a moon cycle, we're proud to introduce our newest collaborator, JDAM Abraham! Joining the ranks of Moon, LookRight, Shotgun Iscariot, Magnum Mary and myself, be sure that JDAM Abraham will be a nice fit into the collective we like to call The Angry Word.

Be sure to catch JDAM’s first post on Tuesday, just in time for Christ-mas.

Be Well Citizen

Scatterblast! He’s Always One In¬-Step Ahead!

2008-12-15T23:54:00.005-06:00

I’ve been alive for four, soon to be five, Commander in Chiefs. I was two months old when John Hinckley, Jr. took a pot shot at Regan in 1981, so I’ve lived through assassination attempts before. I’m sure there have been other attempts before to knock off a Prez or two that we don’t know about. But this has to be the FUNNIEST presidential “attack” I could possibly imagine. After I saw it, all I could think of was…

I’m just a little sad it didn’t hit him. Withdrawn. I’ll rephrase. I’m really sad it didn’t hit him. It’s funny now. That would have been hilarious! So thank you Muntazer al-Zaidi. That was such a thoughtful Christmas present!

That's It. I'm Done.

Click, Click, Bang, Bang!

2008-12-10T22:22:00.003-06:00

We here at the The Word, or at least myself, could not let this pass by without at least making mention of it. Now I’m sure by now you have all heard about NFL wide receiver Plaxico Burress’ “accident”. I decided I’d take a minute and break this down for a second.

First and foremost, I realize it’s kind of cliché, but I’m gonna say it anyway. I’d feel almost like I cheated Scott Silver for not having made a reference to your friend and mine, Cheddar Bob. Never in my life would I have thought that someone would be dumb enough to shoot himself in his leg with his own gun, let alone a professional athlete with the freak of nature type skills that Cheddar Plaxico has. I just hope B-Rabbit and Future have a hook for Plax when he gets out of jail in 3 ½ - 15 years for illegal weapons possession.

Second of all, I can understand you may be fearful for your well being. You are a professional athlete that just signed a 5-year, $35 million contract extension. You play for a team (New York Giants) in the biggest city and largest media market in the United States. You have a proverbial target on your back. Everyone’s gonna want a piece of you and it’s not like people haven’t gotten at others in the past (i.e. Sean Taylor, Dunta Robinson, Darrent Williams, or Richard Collier). You’re going to make $7 million over the next 5+ months and you just won a Super Bowl. GET A BODY GUARD. You’ve got the money. Plaxico, you’re going to lose $824,000 over the next four weeks for the four games you’re going to miss because of your suspension, you’re likely going to get cut by the Giants at the end of the year, and it’s likely no other team wants that drama at 4-years/$28 million. Think of the difficulties and ridicule you could have saved yourself by hiring someone to look after your well being.

Big picture here Plax.

Let’s talk about titties. Not really, but that is how I saw a comedian open a show once. I laughed my ass off. But seriously, one final comment. I’ve worked closely with collegiate athletes for eight years now. I’ve come to understand the train of thought they tend to have, especially the truly gifted ones. Many of them come from families that had very little while growing up and were in, to say the least, the ghetto. I asked someone once why some of these guys have so many problems. Adam “Pacman” Jones, Chris Henry, and a laundry list of others. And the answer was fairly simple. “You can take the man out da hood, but you can’t take da hood out the man.” We’ve all got friends from our childhood that maybe aren’t the best influence on our lives. But you “get them” and know what they’re like. You’ve grown up with them and have a history with them. They’re “your boy.” So there are times when you give them the benefit of the doubt when, in all actuality, they don’t likely deserve it. Makes me think of a line I heard in a movie once; “who you choose to be around lets you know who you are.”

So raise your glasses high and give a toast to the man voted #1 on the RealClearSports Top 10 Dumbest (Athlete) Self-Inflicted Injuries. Salute, Cheddar Plaxico!

That’s It. I’m Done.

Twitterology: The Marvel Way

2008-12-09T21:11:00.006-06:00

Some of you may have noticed the seemingly magical updates on what I, Handgun Jesus, do. It’s a feed from a site I’m sure a lot of you have heard of called Twitter. As part of my ongoing advertisement for the Words we do I find it useful and at times, damn amusing.

Except for this morning.

I follow a few comic guys to check and see what’s what on their end, looking for news that would normally escape my attention unless I read it in Wizard (a great publication by the way, one which I fear is going to be obsolete far too quick due to rising paper costs). So this morning, one of the peeps I follow, Joe Quesada, Editor In Chief of a little company you may have heard of called Marvel Comics, bust this link on his “Tweets”. Essentially laying out plans for the next year (I presume) in comic-dom for the Marvel Universe.

I read the article, find a fault which doesn’t sit that well with me as a mega-fan of the work they’ve produced over the last few years and make a reply to Joe Q about my severe disappointment over Norman Osborn (That’s the Green Goblin for you Spider-man: The Movie folks) being the big baddy (yawn) in essentially an entire universe.

Naturally, you run your mouth, you get shit like this: (Read bottom to top)

No Joe, I will not relax. I buy these books as a fan for 3+ bucks a crack. If I feel like spouting off, why shouldn’t I? Of course I’m going to run into the “well if you don’t like it, don’t buy it” argument from some of you I’m sure and hell, Joe Q probably even thinks that. And that’s fine. But I can’t quite. Shit’s like heroin. And if Leinil Francis Yu is anywhere near a fucking book, I’m screwed.

His art be magical…

They get you hooked in a limited series (which is your gateway drug, like pot) and then they move you onto ongoings (coke) and the next thing you know, your arms are itchy and you can’t hold out till Wednesday for new books (heroin).

I’ll read Dark Reign and every damn issue involved but I don’t have to like Brian Michael Bendis for screwing me out of my paycheck every week. Ok, that’s a lie. I love that man and he’s the reason I even got back into Marvel Comics. It’s an exciting time to be a fanboy.

Be Well Citizen.

If any out there would like to follow us or Joe Quesada (or the host of awesome creators) on Twitter, you can find me just behind the whale on the right.

The Scent Of Failure

2008-12-08T12:52:00.003-06:00

I’m constantly amazed and mesmerized with American tinkering. Take bottled water for instance. Granted, I’ve had my say on this but come on, this level of fucking with shit never ends. Today, it’s toothbrushes.

I recently lost my toothbrush and had to procure a new one from the Wal-Mart (Evil!) Now if anyone lives in a semi-decent sized city, they know a trip to Wal-Mart is no joke. Sometimes, it can take hours to weave through all the fucking lowlifes and degenerates and those are just the employees, just to get to the isle that you need. When I finally make it to that magical destination, much like Jules Vern at the center of the Earth, I’m over whelmed. Seems I have to make my choice from 350,000 different types of brushes.

I’m a simple guy, I like simple things. When I want a cheeseburger, I just want a cheeseburger. I don’t need a half pound, sirloin ground fresh cut patty with red onions from Malaysia, topped with fresh, Amish made, sharp cheddar on a Stottie cake roll. It’s too complicated for me. Bread – Meat - Cheese. That’s it, it’s perfect. Don’t change it.

So imagine my (mock) surprise when the first thing I can’t decide on is brand. There are only a few to choose from and I figured after a minute or two of thought, one is as good as the other, so I bypassed that all together and figured it would reveal itself. All I wanted was a toothbrush, medium bristles, capable of brushing the crap off my teeth. And that’s when I see it, between the Circle Scrubbing Action! and The Gum, Tongue And Change Your Oil! brushes, the mother of all useless shit…

A scented toothbrush.

Scented with what? I couldn’t tell you because I was to dumb-struck by the fact it even was scented, to manage to use the scratch and sniff. Yea, you read that right, the scratch and sniff, on a fucking toothbrush. I’m still not sure the point of a scented toothbrush because as far as I remember day to day, your toothpaste scents the damn thing pretty regularly. Unless you don’t brush that is. So it seems like a waste of good scent that could be applied liberally to bums, the French and that one co-worker that every office has. You know who you are.

Now we’ve come a long way since our days as border jumping Englishmen in the tooth technology. Gone are the wooden teeth and the steel wire brushes we use to apply. No more horsetail hair or beaver balls scrapping across our meat portals. In an age of sonic toothbrushes and ultraviolet whiteners, I can’t fathom how anyone gets in to bed with this kind of thinking. Does all this shit really make it better? Are our teeth better off for it all?

I’m not positive but my money says “no”. And it damn sure says “hell fucking no” to scented toothbrushes. On a little case study I put together, 9 out of 10 dentists says that it’s, and I quote, “fucking stupid”. And we all know, dentists don’t lie.

Be Well Citizen

Movie Review: Southland Tales

2008-12-02T11:38:00.006-06:00

Not something we do everyday here at The Angry Word on Angry Messiah Productions but after watching this film on a random Sunday night, I felt it was my Lynchian duty to provide some commentary for it. I’m sure it will be clear as mud.

Southland Tales is a fucking mess. A confusing, muddled, piece of shit with far too many plots, not enough explanation and fucking Stiffler. Have I got your attention?

Where to actually begin? A shaky hand camera runs around a neighborhood block party, where everyone is in high spirits. It’s the Fourth of July in Abilene, Texas and you hear a massive explosion, which of course are twin Fat Man attacks, the other in El Paso, Texas (not a big loss, who wouldn’t want to nuke the hell out of Texas?) marking the start of World War 3.

The audience is weaved through a futuristic news program showing the war in Iraq, North Korea, Iran, Syria and Afghanistan. (Sound familiar?) Because of the serious conflict the US has engaged in, oil is a no-no. We need a new energy source and this is how the world ends, not with a whimper but with a bang.

Set in the dystopian landscape of an alternative Los Angles, this is the year 2008. The Government has gone nuts, so fucking nuts you need an “inter-state Visa” to even cross state lines. The Net is under their complete control, filtering news and information to the masses. Now this new Govn agency is called USIdent, run by Nana Mae Frost, the wife of Texas senator Bobby Frost, one of the front runners of the Republican ticket. Anyone want to guess who Frost is running against? Hillary Clinton and Joe Lieberman. Yea, even in an alternative future you can’t get away from these fuck-heads.

The gist of the movie is The Rock, Stiffler, Sarah Michelle Gellar as a whore (very convincing too), a few left over SNL bitches, Kevin Smith, that little troll from Poltergeist,

And Justin Fucking Timberlake as the Narrator, Pilot Abilene, are converging on the same night, bent on stopping the earth from spinning out of control thanks to Fluid Karma, the machine that provides limitless energy provided by remote linkup to machines all over California. Toss in some political talk, a horrible blackmail set-up, a rip in the 4th dimension that should have been the next American Pie movie and you’ve got some shit even more confusing than Donnie Darko.

Now, if this even sounds remotely interesting to you, see the movie and by all means, check the Wiki for some back story after you watch it, you might be able to follow some of it. And be sure to catch JT’s badass dance and singing to The Killers "All These Things That I've Done".

Easily the best part of the movie.

However, frankly, Richard Kelly’s second movie is confusing, disjointed and it will make your head spin like a fucking top but in the end, you will be thinking about it. Sadly, the thinking will be “What the fuck did I just witness?”

Be Well Citizen

Plymouth, Massachusetts: 1621

2008-11-26T11:53:00.003-06:00

Over at The Angry Tower, we have a lot to be thankful for so we want to use this opportunity to pass on our gratitude to all the Native Americans that contracted Polio. The entire tribes that were wholesale slaughtered much like our flightless American Turkeys today. The wonton slaughter of a peaceful indigenous people who without their help, the American branch of the English settlers would not have survived and given birth to the rest of white Americans living today.

P.S. Thanks for the casinos and tax-free cigarettes!

P.S.S Sorry about the trailer parks.

Be Well Citizen.

Calling All Comrades

2008-11-24T11:48:00.001-06:00

Over the weekend while at the pub, I found an article in my hands from The Des Moines Register which stated, “Mary Culver was caught smoking in a state owned vehicle that was driven by an Iowa State Trooper”. It was ironic that I was sitting in a bar that I couldn’t smoke in, thanks to all the lobbyist dick faces and our governor, Chet Culver, while reading an article talking about his wife, his own wife, getting popped for smoking.

To the citizen that spotted that conniving bitch, a healthy round of applause to you.

To the State Trooper, which neither the Register nor the State will identify, FUCK YOU. It’s your job to uphold the law. I’m sure if I was the one that was caught lighting up in a state vehicle that you were driving, I’d have your knee in my throat, not to mention the 50 dollar ticket.

In the original article (which I won’t link, you can find it on your own) Mary “promises not to do it again” like that’s her big defense. I promised I’d stop masturbating if the hair on my palms stopped growing but that wasn’t acceptable either. It seems that what’s good for the geese isn’t good for the Goose’s wife.

However, on Saturday, she calls on the State to issue her the 50 dollar fine. “No, no fellas, I was just kidding, I need that ticket.” The only problem is, Chet will pay it and who does Chet work for? Yea, the citizens and tax-payers of Iowa. So congratulations Iowa, you can’t smoke where you drink and you get to eat the cost of the first confirmed ticket.

So the next time I get popped doing something wrong, I’m going to look trouble in the eye and promise to never do it again. I have it on good authority it will work.

Be Well Citizen.

Screwed Life

2008-11-16T11:45:00.004-06:00

LONDON, England (CNN) -- A British couple who married in a lavish Second Life wedding ceremony are to divorce after one of them had an alleged "affair" in the online world.

Amy Taylor, 28, said she had caught husband David Pollard, 40, having sex with an animated woman. The couple, who met in an Internet chatroom in 2003, are now separated.

"I went mad -- I was so hurt. I just couldn't believe what he'd done," Taylor told the Western Morning News. "It may have started online, but it existed entirely in the real world and it hurts just as much now it is over." Second Life allows users to create alter egos known as "avatars" and interact with other players, forming relationships, holding down jobs and trading products and services for a virtual currency convertible into real life dollars. iReport.com: Share your stories from Second Life

Taylor said she had caught Pollard's avatar having sex with a virtual prostitute: "I looked at the computer screen and could see his character having sex with a female character. It's cheating as far as I'm concerned."

The couple's real-life wedding in 2005 was eclipsed by a fairy tale ceremony held within Second Life.

But Taylor told the Western Morning News she had subsequently hired an online private detective to track his activities: "He never did anything in real life, but I had my suspicions about what he was doing in Second Life." iReport.com: Anger in a virtual world

Pollard admitted having an online relationship with a "girl in America" but denied wrongdoing. "We weren't even having cybersex or anything like that, we were just chatting and hanging out together," he told the Western Morning News.

Taylor is now in a new relationship with a man she met in the online role-playing game World of Warcraft.

This is just fucking ridiculous. I mean, I play an MMORPG (Massively Multiplayer Online Role-Playing Game) called Final Fantasy 11 (Shout out to the Njordenheim Linkshell on Odin Server and the Out of Topic boards on Allakhazam) but I’ve never run into shit like this. Who does this?

Apparently, a lot of people.

A study by Nicholas Yee, titled The Psychology of Massively Multi-User Online Role-Playing Games: Motivations, Emotional Investment, Relationships and Problematic Usage found that 15.7% of males and 5.1% of females physically dated someone they met in an MMORPG. You may think that’s not a lot but considering that World of Warcraft, the top selling and subscribing MMORPG has just over 11 million users, that’s one million, seven hundred and twenty-seven thousand people (1,727,000) that have dated people they met online and that’s just the guys, just in World Of Warcraft alone. This doesn’t count the huge, huge number of players across the globe. Last month, a Japanese man divorced his virtual wife in game, so in retaliation, she logs online to the game using his information and deletes his character that he spent a year making and bam, she’s charged with murder. Yea, that’s right, murder.

(Read the article: A woman virtually murdered her virtual husband after their virtual divorce.)

Anyone else think this is just insane shit?

Don’t get me wrong, these kinds of games are a massive time sink and you do get caught up in the whole aspect of it but come on, is it necessary to take it to this level? I understand the frustration that comes with the characters all too well but I would never want to kill someone or divorce my spouse because of a video game. I might want to smack someone around sometimes in sheer annoyance with the other player but really, that’s as far as it goes.

I love videogames; it’s one of my favorite hobbies. I love the social aspect of them and not just the online ones. Being able to talk to a friend about strategies or the fucking badass cut scene (a little movie for the un-initiated) I just saw in a game is just cool. Getting together with some friends and busting out some Mario Party and some cocktails is a good time, jamming on Guitar Hero is great, your friends cheering you on as you pull off a wicked solo is exhilarating. Being able to just sit down, forget the world for a few hours and get lost in the interactive realm of make-believe and not have that creepy bitch Lady Elaine Fairchilde to deal with is awesome.

Creepy puppets aside, it seems that all this comes at a price. Lose of relationships or even jail time. That’s too much for me for me to pay. I recognize the power button on these things, be it computer, Playstation 3 or Xbox 360, it’s pretty universal.

Your family beseeches you Nymh, having a max leveled character in World Of Warcraft, a mere 27 hours after the European Servers went online, is, in a word, crazy. So hit the fucking thing and go outside.

Be Well Citizen.

A Readers Break

2008-11-10T12:32:00.003-06:00

As the world celebrates the win of President-elect Obama, a celebration I share, I find myself without material for the first time in 22 months. Bush is on his way out; intelligence is on the way in. Baby-eater is without a government job (Long live Halliburton) and Biden gets his due. Entire governmental shakeups are what were promised and it had better live up to the hype.

Flying-spaghetti Monster knows, I could write about Bush and Co. fuck ups for the rest of my life and never run out of shit to say but the time has come to end it all. You’ll get no more politically charged blogs from me here on The Angry Word (I can’t say about my other writers but for now, I need a break from the machine). If you’re still craving that sort of thing, you can find that over at The Nonsense Of Are & Dee, our three panel cutNpaste political cartoons. All politics, all the time.

For the foreseeable future, I’m taking a break from it all on this side of the pond. This isn’t too say that when the Democrats take charge in January that I won’t have anything to blog about because they can fuck it up just as bad as the Republicans. Well, maybe not as bad but enough to garner my attention.

In the mean time, it’s back to business. Expect a verbal assault on Richard Kelly about his Southland Tales, a tongue lashing about stereotypes from Shotgun Iscariot and Magnum Mary to continue to be absent through it all. Maybe a few new guest bloggers will show up and some old ones to pop back in from time to time. (What do you say LookRight and Moon, you up to it?)

A friend of mine recently starting blogging himself and I urge you to take a look at it over at Khaotic Malice: Varieties Of Kognitive Khaos. Not much is up yet but ‘Welcome to the Tunnel of Terror’ is comedy gold.

Some of you may have noticed a new icon on the left, above Are & Dee. It’s a new Advice Column and I think you’ll dig Ask Professor Paisley. Be sure to send in your questions for him. Fuck Ann Landers and Dear Abby, Professor Paisley gives you the straight shit and makes no bones about it.

Get to reading!

Be Well Citizen.

Blueprints:Redprints

2008-11-05T20:06:00.007-06:00

"White folks only want to hear the good shit: health care, a place in the world. But as soon as they hear they're getting this good shit from a black President, they freak. And that, my friends, is called hypocrisy. A black man can steal your stereo, but he can't be your Commander in Chief?"

Dear Barack Obama, President-Elect,

Some 45 million voters last night gave you the chance to turn our country around. We bled, wept and toiled to give you, and us, this chance for a new rise of American politics. We gave you enough of a majority in the Senate that you can cut Leiberman lose and still remain effective, not filibuster but effective. We gave you 600 million dollars to turn this country around and in 22 short months, you did just that. Now we are going to give you the entire country's budget so you can change the world. Make no mistake, we will not settle for anything less than that. If you seek a second term in 2012, you had better do exactly that. Nothing short of a complete reversal of the last 8 years, internationally and domestic, will we settle for. We want the best and you had better deliver.

Warmest regards,

America

Now I won’t pretend that I wasn’t worried for a split second. After all, this was a black man with a very foreign sounding name. I watched the screen(s) with a little anticipation, wondering if Americans had it in them to forget all the bullshit this country has been through in the last 222 years, all the hate and animosity, slavery and guilt, to see if we could actually elect “that one”.

Turns out I was worried for nothing.

Now the election bash I was at last night had multiple TeeVees on multiple channels following this thing (naturally) and when I got up to go smoke, I turned around and I saw Fox fucking News call Virginia for Obama, I knew this race was over.

So, to my fellow Americans, (which in the last 8 years, has been the first time in my adult life I’ve been proud to say that) I say thank you. Thank you for forgetting the petty injustices, affirmative action cases, the green eyed monster in the room. Thank you for electing a President smarter that a clubbed hamster. Thank you for making a believer out of me, a believer in this Republic.

Now that the sappy shit is over, can anyone tell me just what the fuck was going on at CNN? News Anchor via fucking hologram?

Hologram my ass. If you’re going to introduce this far out space technology, try and not make it look like a bad still frame from A New Hope, you cheese dicks.

Seriously, I thought she was going to make a “Help me Obi-Wolf Blitzer, you’re my only hope.” joke at any fucking moment. Moving on…

John, John, John… what the hell happened to you man? Don’t get me wrong, I loved his concession speech and not for just the obvious reasons. But because we actually saw a touch of the old McCain in there, the 2000 McCain that spoke eloquently and humbly.

However, I still have a little bit of a problem with some shit he said, one line that sticks out of my mind in particular. He goes on and on about us being one America and then tosses this gem out there: “This is a proud day for African-Americans.” Well I’m sorry but you got that half wrong Johnny boy, it’s a proud day for ALL Americans. No matter our religion, race or creed.

Be Well Citizen

5th Of Truth: Election Day - Our 100th Blog Extravaganza

2008-11-03T11:36:00.007-06:00

Normally, this would have been a Trio Of Truth but today we are joined by two extra writers. Now everyone who reads this blog knows we are not by any means conservatives but in the interest of a fair and balanced view, especially for our 100th Blog Extravaganza, we decided to give you some alternative view points. So a break from our usual format is in order. Instead we give you 2 republicans, 2 democrats and of course, me.

Angry Messiah is proud to present for all of you undecided voters, our 100th Blog Extravaganza!

A Patriot’s Plea

Aahh… can you smell that? It’s election season again. The leaves are falling, the wind is blowing, and the pundits are spewing their usual shit. And here I am, charged with the responsibility of telling you why I am voting the way I am. So… where to begin?

I know! Let’s start with this. I am – in case you don’t already know this – the truest of true American patriot. I love this country. (Despite any pre-election joking and giggling about moving to Canada if McCain wins – I will NEVER desert this beautiful country). So fuck you Sarah Palin. As an immigrant to this country and a true blue liberal, I have to say that I L-O-V-E this country more than most of the people I know who were born here. So now that we all know that being a liberal doesn’t mean that I’m “anti-American” (and so help me, no one better ever even HINT that I am EVER again) let’s get down to the nitty gritty.

What I will not talk about (and this may surprise you) are “records.” It’s pointless. Hundreds of bills and potential legislation comes before Congress every session and there are hundreds of reasons why one political candidate will or won’t vote for it (even if the principal of the bill is something of interest, something like too much “pork” will prevent a senator or representative from voting for it). And EVERY elected official has a record that will eventually fuck them with one group or another so – fuck the records. I’m not touching it.

In case you haven’t figured it out – I am voting for Barack Obama and so should you.

Most importantly for me, future lawyer and everything, the next president will have the ability to seat some very important people who we don’t elect but get to stay for FOREVER (or until they die, whatever). Yes, that’s right; I’m talking about the Supreme Court. Now, presidents are temporary. They have a brief 8 years – if they are lucky enough to get two terms. But Supreme Court Justices (nominated by the President and approved by the Senate) have life tenures. There are about three Supreme Court justices that are hanging on by their AARP cards to their seats. Now, Bush got to seat two (Alito and Roberts, Roberts let me say, is incredibly charming despite his SERIOUSLY conservative leanings) and he filled those seats with real conservatives who are very young which means that they could be on the bench for another 30 years.

Let me take a quick break for a Supreme Court primer. The Supreme Court only handles cases (at their choosing) which deal with important Constitutional issues (and some maritime issues, international stuff, etc. – they have “original” jurisdiction over some issues but those are VERY rare in modern day litigation). The rulings the Supreme Court issues influence future cases which may have similar situations and issues. The “precedent” set by the Supreme Court is BINDING on ALL courts in the country. There is no “federalism” (state v. federal) issues here – when the Supreme Court makes a ruling, it’s ruling is binding on all state courts and all federal courts – it sets the floor for Constitutional rights. Once a precedent is set by the Supreme Court it is EXTREMELY hard to overturn (for example: Plessy v. Ferguson, 163 U.S. 537, ruled in 1896 that “separate but equal” schools for black kids and white kids are A-OK by the Constitution was not overruled explicitly until Brown v. Brd. of Education, 347 U.S. 483 in 1954). Oh and by the way, that example, it’s the only one that I can think of at the moment, except for maybe the Dred Scott case in 1857 (ruling that a slave sent to free states must be returned to his owner in a slave state).

Now that we understand how crucially important the Supreme Court is (as in a Court of conservative ideologues will probably overturn Roe v. Wade – yes that means abortions would be all the time forever in all circumstances illegal and possibly other important rights such as Miranda v. Arizona – yes that means police might not have to warn you about all the rights you give up if you voluntarily tell them something or Lawrence v. Texas – yes that would allow the police and the government into your bedroom to examine your sexual habits, and yes that includes you straight people – sodomy was technically illegal for you too!).

We have to look to the future. While the Supreme Court may not hit all these super important issues in one session, they might get to them within the next 20 years. The judges appointed to the bench during the next presidency will probably be around long enough to see all these issues come up at least once in some form or another. And again, once they decide, it’s done – it could be 100 years before a bad decision is corrected. That’s a lot of responsibility right? Let’s give that responsibility to someone who graduated law school. Someone who not only has a juris doctorate (the degree necessary to practice law) but who excelled in law school, as editor of the Harvard Law Review and who graduated at or near the top of his class.

Obama not only practiced law, and taught Constitutional Law to future lawyers, but he understands the importance, and the future impact that appointing the right qualified people will have. Obama has intensely studied Supreme Court decisions (that’s basically all you do in law school – seriously) and has seen how rulings shape culture and how they influence law and application of law to real people. That kind of deep understanding is crucial. It is a great responsibility. Let’s give it to a great legal thinker, Barack Obama.

Well, I started this blog as a patriot. So let me end it as that (instead of a lawyer, I guess). For the first time in a very long time, Obama has given me something incredibly intangible but also invaluable. Hope. Like I said, I love this country, very much. I think sometimes we take for granted that we live here in the land of plenty with freedoms just frolicking in our Midwestern fields. But I am reminded that I came from something much different and that it was the kindness and generosity of the American people that brought me here and gave me a life of purpose and pride.

Yet everyday, I have watched Government rot with corruption, greed, and ideology of division and fear. I’m over it. For the first time in my political life, I feel hopeful. It’s not certainty that I feel, but hope that things will start being better and for the first time, I have a reason to feel that way. I am too young to remember Bobby Kennedy or Martin Luther King Jr. but I imagine that this is how my parents felt when they saw Mr. Kennedy or Mr. King on the television and I take pride in my hope for this country.

That is why I’m voting for Barack Obama (at least, some of the reasons why, given the small amount of space I was allotted by Handgun).

Good Night, and Good Fucking Luck.

The Right Introspection

Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for your time and consideration. First, I want to say that this exercise has caused me to look a little deeper into a lot of the issues that are running this election. Although my decision for which candidate to support has not changed, I have seen that each candidate has some ideas that may improve the quality of life in America.

There are two main reasons why I feel that John McCain will be the better candidate for the President of the United States. The first of those reasons (and the most important issue in this election) is international relations/national security. We, as Americans, have to worry about our ability to protect ourselves against those in the world that would want to do us harm.

John McCain has the experience necessary to handle the difficult decisions that accompany the office of the Commander in Chief of the United States military. Not only has John McCain served in the military, but he has spent a lot of time in the Senate during difficult times when the decisions were made to have to send troops into war and understands the ramifications of those actions. Experience, however, is not enough to warrant one candidate being better than another.

The relationship that the United States has with Iran is one of the most volatile international relationships the U.S. has seen since the Cold War. This situation must be handled with caution and determination. Senator McCain has taken a stance against the actions taken by the Iranian president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. John McCain has the resolve and military experience to know how to handle this situation with care, and make sure that Iran is not a threat to national security. Senator Obama is open to communication without pre-conditions with President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. This is a dangerous course of action that will lead Iranian leaders to see the United States as a weak country that will not enforce any sanctions that it tries to impose. This is not a course of action that we can allow. We, as Americans, have to maintain our reputation internationally so when we, as a part of the UN, institute sanctions against a country that they are respected.

Next on the list of national security risks for the United States is the presence of United States military troops in Iraq. The withdrawal of all of the U.S. military from Iraq by the end of the calendar year 2009 is completely irresponsible to all people involved. We have made a commitment to the people of Iraq to make sure that they are protected until they can create a self-sustaining government. The people of Iraq are counting on our support to make sure that they do not slip back into the hands of another tyrant such as Saddam Hussein. The appropriate thing to do would be to maintain the commitment to assist in helping to protect and rebuild Iraq, and maintain a positive relationship with a country in the Middle East. If we merely run away and hide from our obligations because they are inconvenient, we are no better than the tyrants that we have worked throughout our history to overthrow.

The next topic when speaking of national security is the war on terror and the fact that Osama bin Laden is still alive today planning his next attack on United States soldiers and civilians all around the world. John McCain is committed to the search and seizure of Osama bin Laden so the reign of terror in this world can come to an end along with the leadership of the single biggest terrorist in my lifetime.

The second main topic of why John McCain will make a better candidate for the President of the United States is the effect that our next president will have on the economy of this country. There are several different aspects of the economy that I will outline. The first of which is going to be job creation.

It is not enough to just have jobs available in the United States. We need to have American based companies that produce tangible goods to move back into the U.S. This will not only create jobs for American production workers, but will also create pride in American products. The way that companies will maintain production sites within the United States is with tax cuts (corporate tax decreases from 35% to 25% in the McCain plan) and financial incentives available to make it more affordable to maintain production. Without these incentives, American jobs will have to be moved to countries that will provide more incentives such as lower wages and more financial incentives to have their production sites in their countries.

One of the main problems with the economy of the United States today is the thought of the democratic members in Washington trying to “redistribute the wealth” of hard working Americans. The place of the government of the United States is not to create programs to make it easy for people who are without a job to maintain their lifestyle without having to work for it. Senator Obama’s plans are to significantly increase the tax rate on the middle class and above to help pay for community support programs to make sure that the lower class of this country do not have to work for what they want. The government of this country should be focused on protecting its citizens from all predators, both foreign and domestic. This includes not only terrorists meaning to do us physical harm, but also democrats such as Senator Obama looking to take a majority of my paycheck to help pay for others’ lifestyles.

Senator John McCain has not only the experience necessary to be the Commander in Chief of our military, but the political experience to build the bridge between Republicans and Democrats to actually achieve something positive in his time in the White House.

Written by Moon (Yea, it’s a dude. No hippy bullshit here)

Our Tomorrow Is Today

Government is far too big and far too important to be left up to politicians. That’s what John McCain is; he’s a politician. He’s not one with the people. He doesn’t know what it’s like to grow up with a family struggling to put food on the table. The man has so much money he doesn’t even know how many houses he owns. John McCain has voted with George Bush 90% of the time. If he’s that out of touch with society is he going to be able to fix this great country’s economy, or will he simply be four more years of a slightly less conservative George Bush? Look how far that’s gotten us. Now is time for a change.

Our nation is on the verge of an economic melt down. The past eight years have left us with our cupboards bare. America is hungry. It has been rolled over by an army of steam rollers. It’s been erased like a blackboard, rebuilt, and erased again. Now is the time to rebuild it, and the George Bush/John McCain trickledown economics is not the way to do it. That way only the rich get richer while the poor don’t have a thing. This country needs to get rebuilt from the bottom up, not with money mongers trying to build from the top down. The only thing that gets you is a top heavy nation. When a structure is top heavy like that, it will crumble.

The way to build this nation into being great again is by making sure the middle-class is strong. Up to 75% of this nation is made of people like you and me, not like John McCain. Fixing cars and pumping gas. Waiting on tables and teaching our children. You are the present and future of America, and you are who we need to pay attention to. Tomorrow is too late. This should have been done yesterday. Our tomorrow needs to be today.

Barack Obama proposes, when he’s president, that four out of every five homes in America will see a decrease in their taxes. John McCain wants to give tax breaks to the rich. How many times do we need to see the rich get richer while 80% of Americans continue to struggle? It needs to end and it starts by voting in the polls tomorrow!

Many Americans do not have the funds necessary for proper health care. The ever rising cost of health care accompanied with the decreasing incomes has left families bankrupt because they cannot pay their medical costs. George Bush wants to privatize health care. This is yet another instance where the rich just get richer. Can we afford four more years of the same? We need to make this nation great again, and John McCain is not the man to do it!

Iraq has now cost us, the United States of America, close to $800 billion. Why? For freedom? The amount of freedom in the U.S. of A has not changed in the last five years. We’ve lost countless lives, both American and Iraqi, and in the mean time Osama bin Laden and Al-Qaeda have continued to run free. John McCain was one of those pointing the finger at Iraq when the problem was not and has not been there. Now he and George Bush choose to ignore the three fingers pointing back at them, showing them where the real blame should lie. Barack Obama plans to move our way out of Iraq and let the Iraqi people start to govern themselves. While we move out of Iraq we can refocus on capturing the leader of the group responsible for the greatest tragedy in recent American history. The goal is for Osama bin Laden to be captured and held accountable for his actions. We will succeed!

The education system for our country is not where it needs to be. No Child Left Behind has only created a separation in our school systems. The schools that need funding are having troubles getting it. The truly gifted children are slowed down so the others in the class can catch up with them. All of these children are our today. Today we need to increase the funds allocated for education. Tomorrow is too late.

When you’re at the polls voting, think about what you want for today and what is needed for our tomorrow. Think about four more years of the same disestablishment that we have had these last eight years. Do you want your tomorrow to look like that? Do you want your children, or your children’s children to have to suffer for our oversights? No. Our tomorrow is here and our time is now!

In support of the campaign for Barack Obama for President…

That’s It. I’m Done.

Why I would vote Republican… and so can you!

While I’m not naïve enough to think that all liberals are tree hugging hippies, there is a definitely a feeling that comes to mind when I think about the word. It’s warm, fuzzy and makes me want to be friends with everyone. I hate that feeling. Maybe it is my personal mantra that keeps me from liking this feeling, “I hate STUPID people.” In this world we are not all born equals and some of us just happen to be born dumber or more stupid than others. I’m sure I am on the tail end of the spectrum to some people. My point being not that liberals and Democrats are stupid, but they have a different view than me. I like to think that my world is ruled by logic and common sense. Now I know not everything a conservative believes is logical or easy to understand, but then I don’t have to agree with everything they believe. I am able to pick and choose my own points and in general. I happen to agree with conservative philosophies more than liberal.

With my disclaimer out of the way, the great 2008 election that will either bring its first candidate of color or female vice president to the non-colored house. Because I want to write as a “standard” semi informed voter, only somewhat because I’m lazy, I’m not going to be pulling protracted stats and references, and try instead to make my points out of how the candidates have come off to me and how I perceive the parties to be.

John McCain:

Old people love him, young people try to understand him, but God knows he was a prisoner of war… Don’t get the wrong idea; he scares the hell out of a true conservative. Sure, in weeks before an election you won’t hear about that, and it’s all hand holding and convincing the media that there is a united front. McCain was only different enough from the rest of the Republican nominees to be get elected. This was obvious with Huckabee staying in as long as possible solely to draw votes from Romney. Bottom line is he’s not my choice but he’s what we got. Kind of like the last fat chick in the bar, you’re too drunk to leave alone and she’s all you got to go home with. Obama would have you believe he is another Bush, which is like saying a point guard and a center on a basketball team is the same player. McCain was about as liberal a Republican senator can get. He toed the line on many issues and reached across party lines consistently.

Barack “I have no middle name, so please do not bring it up” Obama:

I love that the hard core Republican tries to use a middle name against a candidate. What’s even sadder is hearing the liberals’ cry like this can offend them. Reminds me of high school when my buddies last name was “Cox.” Also the book “The Obama Nation” that came out that succeeded only in convincing the morons on the conservative side and pour fuel on the fire of the hard right. This book was nothing more than propaganda with few good points and a lot of slander. That being said, I can’t trust Barack. Simply put I think his plans could ruin health care in this country and bankrupt our economy, yes that would be worse than what we are dealing with now. And don’t put that the current state on W, the man’s not always the smartest thing, but he had little to do with this.

Quickly, and mildly concisely, our healthcare is one of the best in the world, hands down. We can do amazing things to keep people alive and to correct medical problems but they come with a price. There are other options out there that are “cheaper” for the public but then you come to quality issues and receiving treatments in a timely manner. I’ve dealt a lot in the past six months with our current medical system and I believe that gives me a license to critique. Over all, they have done a great job, other than a select few and at times what seemed like a lack of communication. I can’t imagine it having gone any better in another place with a different system, and when it comes down to it when you’re at deaths door, do you want pretty good over very good? Would you rather pay extra to get that extra little bit? Lord knows I would, life’s too short as it is. I’m not saying there isn’t a better plan coming or out there already but then I don’t know about it, and it’s going to take quite a bit to trump what we currently have.

It’s hard to sketch such broad strokes in one column without generalizing and forgetting important points, but then this column only has to be as good as our choices for president.

Peace, Is Where You Can Find It.

Written by Lookright

Future-Proofed - The Wrap Up

Take a good look. This is what you’re going to wake up to on Wednesday. Nothing but Blue Balls for the Republicans and ultimate triumph from 8 torturous years by Bush and his baby eating Vice President.

Now as much as I would like this to be about bashing the ever living fuck (yet) out of McCain, it’s not going to be, he does a capable job of destroying his campaign on his own. And well, he does have Palin to back him up.

Instead, I would like to remind you about your future. A future free of tyranny from the Patriot Act (the anti-civil liberties portion of it at the very least), free from the failure of No Child Left Behind, free from the co-existence of man and fish. (Ok, if that one doesn’t happen I can probably live with it. Salmon have it fucking coming.)

A future full of promises like:

Tax Relief: You’ve all heard it; he’s said it, now it’s your turn to swallow. Every family making less than $250,000 will get a break.

And I’m sorry, if you make more than that, tough shit asshole, it’s your turn to pay. The working class has supported the back of this county for far too long. You wouldn’t even have that money without some blue-collar dick working himself to death. By the by, it’s simple math in this country. You NEED to take in more than you spend. If The Count on Sesame Street can get it right, why can’t the Republicans?

Health Care: “It’s a fundamental right” What more needs to be said? McCain however disagrees. Then again, if you’re married to Cindy McCain, you more than likely don’t need to worry about the cost of health care and that doesn’t even mention the socialized medicine he enjoys as a Senator. Any guess who pays for that? Oh yea, the tax payer. So come on, if you want health care for your children without being raped in the ass by some corporate CEO, vote O.

Now I could go on and on about the differences (and I probably should) but being the creator of all you survey here at The Angry Word, I get the privilege of reading my contributors (and a fine job they did, give them kudos, or something) blogs before you do and well, there’s some shit I want to tackle. Keep in mind, this is not a personal attack, it's all political.

Now our first contributor, Moon, claims that the most important issue in this election is international relations/national security. While I won’t disagree with him that it is an important issue, I’m going to have a problem with the Right’s demagoguery. Perhaps a “strike first and ask questions… never” policy doesn’t work in this world anymore. The U.S.A.’s enemies are out there and very real, no question.

Yet, when bin Laden and Co. announce they plan to bankrupt the Federal Government by making them fight unjustified wars in lands that had nothing to do with 9/11, I tend to wonder just why anyone, Republican or Democrat would ever want to police the world first and let our own backyard fall to shit. Our economy is the number one issue here. Which ties into the war(s), deregulation and failed domestic and international policies. So, say it ain’t so Joe, you we’re just a tiny bit off the mark.

Second, LookRight makes a great point about John McCain: “Bottom line is he’s not my choice but he’s what we got.” Is it sad to see that so many in his camp are speaking out, calling for John McCain to lay it down? Even his voters don’t like him but they toe the line because that’s what they’ve got. It’s Elephant or go home.

For the rest of you, look, I can understand why people would freak out about this young black man from Illinois. He’s got a funny middle name that produces pant-shitting thoughts, I get that. He’s different and you “just can’t trust him”, ok, I don’t get that one but whatever; it’s your fear-mongering, have at it. For the rest of us, he’s charming, engaging and promises to do amazing things for the people this Government forgot so long ago. He reminds me of another man of color, a man by the name of Jesus Christ (the fact he’s a colored man and carries such weight when he speaks, not that he’s divine. The black Neo he isn't). And well, that turned out all right for the religious right, ya? Give color a chance.

Watching the Right all but destroy everything this country use to hold dear in the last 8 years, should be enough for you to march out there tomorrow and vote Left but if it’s not enough, I want you imagine all the bullshit that has made you so pissed you could have ripped the head off the Lincoln Memorial (a true Republican, not this nancy bullshit we see today) and stuffed it down Bush and Baby-eaters throat. Then take that rage and times it by infinity because your children are being left a burden so large their kids will still be dealing with it, I want you to imagine them dying because their parents couldn’t afford health care (what do you know a republican way of thinking: Pro-life, except when it’s socialized medicine, eh?) and every other horrible fucking thing that Bush has brought upon us and then I want you to march your ass down to the polls and vote straight-ticket, party: Democrat.

Because make no mistake, as Magnum Mary spoke about, this isn’t just about the Presidency, this is about every political office in the country.

If you won’t do it for me, do it for Hayden and her tits.

Be Well Citizen.

Thanks for reading; we hope that we brought you entertainment and the urge to take charge of your future. This election is one of the most, if not the, most important of your entire life. Hit the polls on November 4th and change your world.

I’d like to thank our contributors, Moon and LookRight for their contribution for the other side of the political pond.

Scientia, Decus Et Tutamen - The Sequel

2008-10-29T22:55:00.004-05:00

For those of you that missed this gem, it seems Jackie couldn’t get enough of the public punishment she suffered once already. Last week Cityview published another letter from you know who and well, I couldn’t let the opportunity pass me by. I just had to write one in response again. Sadly for Jackie (or myself, who knows), it was published.

John McCain, not as dumb as people think

Sen. Barack Obama has caught the attention of a lot of voters. He’s smooth, savvy and inexperienced, but what do we really know about him? Why would he talk to the Iraqi leaders in July and ask them to delay withdrawal of troops until after the election? The fact that he would do that in his current position is treasonous. And, shouldn’t the U.S. citizens be concerned about his past connections with Saul Alinksy, Tony Rezko and Bill Ayers? Unfortunately, the media hasn’t wanted to expose the real Obama.

Many people, some of whom should know better, refer to Sen. John McCain as “dumb” because he was close to the bottom of his class. What they are forgetting is that Annapolis is not your average public education institution. You have to have brains and intelligence to even be accepted there. Incidentally, McCain’s IQ has been reported to be 138. I’d imagine that’s considerably higher than the IQ of those who have been calling McCain dumb.

Jackie Fleming

Urbandale

Hey people, get your facts straight

Jackie Fleming has it all wrong (“John McCain, not as dumb as people think,” Oct. 23). Sen. Barack Obama has caught the attention of a lot of voters for a very simple reason: intelligence. Don’t we deserve a so-called “elitist” running this country? Personally, I want, no, need a President smarter than myself. As to accusations levied against him about his asking Iraqi leaders to delay withdraw of troops until after the elections, Ms. Fleming has once again pinned the tail on the wrong donkey. I found nothing to support her claims and suggest she check Factcheck.org, before accusing.

What of his connections with Saul Alinksy, who died when Obama was nine-years-old? Does Ms. Fleming have a problem with the poor and voiceless being organized and having rights too? Grassroots campaigning is clearly a tactic that has worked and worked well, to the tune of $450 million raised by donors in America to Obama’s campaign.

Further, connecting Obama with a “domestic terrorist,” who was cleared of those charges, is despicable and nothing more than a baseless attack from the right attempting class warfare. Clearly, we don’t “see America as they do.”

As for Sen. McCain, who, according to Ms. Fleming has an IQ of 138, seven points shy of Albert Einstein, is laughable at best. Food for thought: IQ doesn’t always mean intelligence, all it states is the tester’s ability to learn, not to advance or think.

Is it me or does Ms. Fleming sound like a campaign employee parroting McCain’s stump speeches? Just cast your vote and be quiet about it, like the rest of the “real Americans.”

Handgun Jesus

Urbandale

Now I don’t know about you but I’m getting a sense of déjà vu here. Fleming makes some damn bold statements while managing to bring up every talking point of the McCain campaign from the last month. I wonder who she’s voting for? Any guesses?

It would be nice if we could start keeping uninformed idiots out of the newspapers like Ms. Flemings but it takes all kinds right? I know there are republicans reading this and yea, I’m ok with the fact that some of you think I’m an idiot. I’m not but I’m ok if you think that. What I don’t understand is why people think that it’s necessary to defend a politician who is more than capable of taking care of them selves. I’ve endeavored to not defend anyone in this race and frankly, I don’t even think I would need to even if the case arose. All the gaffs and moronic shit that comes out of McCain’s mouth (this goes double for Obama, as the man is an eloquent speaker and shouldn’t have a problem), he can either come up with a viable excuse himself or he won’t. Simple as that.

Yet, when I see slander like this, I feel compelled as a citizen to stand up and let the truth be heard (read, whatever). I’m fairly sure, Ms. Flemings wouldn’t want attacked without a chance to defend herself, so I was merely a proxy for the Big O. And well, who doesn’t like fucking with people?

Take that as you will.

Be Well Citizen.

Scientia Potentia Est

2008-10-16T12:15:00.003-05:00

Click to enlarge! And yes, you can right-click print this out for your kids!

A few weeks back I was reading Cityview (an alternative newspaper here in Des Moines, Iowa for those of you beyond our borders) and a letter came across the pages that I had to reply to. Sadly for Jackie, it was published.

Is Barack Obama a Kenyan citizen?

I enjoy reading Cityview because you often take on subjects that you’ll seldom see in The Register. Columns by Kent Carlson are few and far between as he lends a sense of humor in some, a well-researched view in others, and lots of variety of subjects that are important to taxpaying citizens.

One area of concern that The Register won’t deal with is the full story on Sen. Barack Obama. I’ve read several Internet sites, but I’m aware that many of the stories have stretched the truth and need clarification. A recent report states that Obama’s Kenyan grandmother says that when his mother was pregnant, she was in Kenya and unable to fly back to Hawaii to give birth as she was so close to delivering. She said he was born in Kenya on Aug. 4, and returned to Hawaii on Aug. 13. If this were true, then he would not be eligible to run for president.

Why hasn’t the media picked up on this and sought out the truth? The story said that no hospitals have records of him being born in Hawaii. When will journalism start covering the whole story again?

Jackie Fleming
Urbandale

Questioning letter writer’s questioning Obama

This is in response to Jackie Flemming’s letter (“Is Barack Obama a Kenyan Citizen?” Sept. 4). If Jackie was perhaps a more informed citizen (as so many of us are not) about her natural rights as a citizen of the United States Of America, being born in a foreign country does not exclude a person from running for President as it is his legal right as a child of a mother that is a citizen of the USA. Because his mother is a woman from Kansas and his father is a citizen of Kenya, he could have dual-citizenship.

Before raising a stink Jackie, research the issue first. Journalism won’t cover this “story,” as it’s a non-issue. Frankly, it’s the sad, twisted untruths that will decide ignorant voters come November.

Handgun Jesus
Urbandale

Now as I pointed out in my response to Jackie, I worry about the propaganda machine that’s currently fueled by accusations of Domestic Terrorism (see: Bill Ayers. Thanks Palin, you cunt. And for those of you that don’t like that Word, too bad, this is my blog) and ignorance.

The disinformation machine is strong all across the board. Be it Republican or Democrat, Green Party or Alaskan Independence Party (a party that wants to succeed from the United States, mind you) doesn’t matter. All have agendas that further their own ideals, not the citizens needs or wants. So what’s one to do? Why join the Citizens Party of course! Become Pro-Environment, turn the heat up on business regulations, smoke some grass and let the government fall to shit. You might as well, it’s doing that already.

In all seriousness folks, the spin is whirling so fast it could twist your head of your shoulders. No matter who you side with, be it Obama/Biden, McCain/Palin or any number of the “third party” candidates, which there are a shit load of, pay attention to the language of these ads and do some digging around before you lead to a conclusion, you might find out the truth.

For more information on The Truth, check FactCheck.org and educate yourself and those around you.

Be Well Citizen.

Scatterblast! The Second Sign OF The Apocalypse

2008-10-13T21:23:00.005-05:00

Before you get your jump to conclusions mat out and start hop, hop, hopping away just listen a second. Now I don’t think Shady is the second sign of the Apocalypse, but the newest results in Vibe magazine are. Recently Vibe had a “Best Rapper Alive” tournament and none other than Marshall Mathers was voted as the best rapper alive.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m a fan of Slim. But are you telling me the best rapper alive is a white guy? First sign of the Apocalypse: the fact that the #1 golfer of all time is, well, black and the tallest NBA player, Yao Ming, is Chinese! The world’s gonna end…soon.

That’s It. I’m Done.

New Century Segregation

2008-10-13T21:09:00.005-05:00

No, this isn’t a litmus test of how a homosexual person should act in this ridiculous fucking country of ours. Rather a look at segregation in Chicago. Not between blacks and whites with bleak times until the 60’s where segregation started to become integration but between gay and straight.

The School for Social Justice Pride Campus has been in talks with Chicago city officials to offer an “alternative” perspective to students of other orientations than the public perceived “norm”.

Personally, I’m against this. And no, not for reasons you may think. I understand that gay men and women are harassed at schools, their drop-out rates are higher and their GPA is lower at traditional high schools. But it leads to questions: Like why don’t they apply Pride Campus and Harvey Milks curriculum to all of the schools in the district?

I appreciate the fact that their graduation rate is far, far higher (hovering around 95% graduated) than Chicago’s average of 52%. That’s amazing no doubt. Yet is separating them really the best answer? It’s like they figure “out of sight, out of mind” for the students at other high schools. I feel the best way is to keep all students together, look at your borked ass programs and get graduation rates up and hatred down instead of pushing this separate but equal clause.

It teaches the gay students not to deal with hatred and injustice in the world by taking a group of kids that have already been isolated by the student body and teaches them to become even more isolated.
It teaches the straight students that no matter who you hate, don’t despair, eventually we’ll move them somewhere else so you wont have to face your insecurities and racial intolerance.
It makes all the parents of gay or straight kids feel better because they know their kids are “where they belong”.

How long before gay citizens have to use a different water fountain?

Fix your shit Chicago.

Be Well Citizen.

There Can Be Only One!

2008-10-10T23:09:00.006-05:00

First Dude my dick.

I swear to Christ, if I hear one more pundit or shitty little reporter call Todd Palin “First Dude” one more time, I’m going to stalk these sons a bitches down like a fucking moose from a helicopter.

This is exactly why we don’t like you Sarah (well, one of the MANY reasons why) The media in your state, a state so fucked up we don’t even want it touching the rest of us, calls your husband by dude, which incidentally stands for “a city person in the country, with strong connotations of ignorance of rural ways”, and you’re ok with this? Right, right, I forget, you’re that fucking stupid yourself. Seriously, pronounce “nuclear” for me.

Fast forward and let’s bend the laws of logic and the space time continuum here: What happens if McCain actually wins this thing? What does Todd become? Second Dude to Vice President or is he still First Dude? One would think that McCain would be the new first dude in Sarah’s life. He is her boss after all right? But then again, We The People are his boss, so by extension, doesn’t Todd become the 149,000,001st Dude? You know, after the rest of us males in this country?

While I’m thinking about it, you’re giving Todd’s a bad name you stupid hick. Can’t you crash another Snow Mobile and change your name to “Dillon” or something? I’ve never met a single cool guy named Dillon so I’m sure they wouldn’t mind you fucking up something for them.

Another thing: Is this really the level of discourse that we can expect if she gets elected? We have to refer to our politicians and their ilk with pretty nicknames? We seriously can’t call him by his name, remember he has nothing to do with anything at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. and go about our business? By the by, did you know that Todd Palin wasn’t even a registered Republican until September of this year? Until then he was an Independent. Pretty fucking crazy yea?

Point in fact; there is and has always been; only one First Dude in the world and it’s this fucking guy.

If we’re going to get stuck with a Dude, let’s throw in a Walter and at least have it be worth while.

Be Well Citizen.

Snub-Nosed! Armage-debt-ton

2008-10-07T22:00:00.005-05:00

McCain: I will have the Federal Government buy up bad mortgages.

Translation: Instead of your bank foreclosing on your home, your local Government will foreclose on your home.

Now, here's a "fundamental difference" between myself and the outright idiocy from McCain's campaign, I understand that no matter who holds the mortgage, the bank or your Governor, if you don't pay you lose your home. The only difference is that if the Feds have your mortgage, it directly impacts our national debt.

Which, by the way, the National Debt Clock that sits near Times Square in New York, has run so fucking high, it's run out of place holders for numbers. No zeros are left on the clock.

But hey, if you want that clock above to keep running higher, by all means, vote for that evil son of a bitch.

Be Well Citizen.

Check A Box Perp

2008-10-07T15:42:00.005-05:00

Here comes the RNC with a call of AUDIT!

(Check out our comic!)

When a political party demands an audit and insinuates the American people of “funding cheating”, that has to be the lowest fucking thing I’ve ever heard of.

Is it to much to believe that we can and do give as much as we can (legally mind you) to secure our future? In the time that Obama has been seeking the nomination, We The People have contributed upwards of 450 million dollars. This is staggering when you think about it but it’s our money and we can do with it as we please. Frankly speaking, I’m damn proud of my fellow citizens. We are, for the first time that I can think of, actually voting with our wallet.

It begs the question: Are we buying a President? The short answer is yes, yes we are. But it’s from individual donations, coming together in an unprecedented way. The only money that is being spent is from the ones that wanted it this way. Unlike someone else you might have heard of.

John McCain has accepted public financing for use during the general election. To the tune of 84 million dollars. That’s a hell of a chunk of change. What could the people do with 84 mil? Well, ask yourself, what could you do with 279,000 dollars (301 Million citizens divided by 84 million dollars)? Yea, that’s for every man woman and child with legal citizenship.

Now on your taxes this year and just like every previous year, there is a box you can check that will set aside 3 bucks for the party of your choosing. This doesn’t come out of your Return, it comes straight from the Federal Taxes you’ve already paid, you’ll never see that money again so it’s moot. But a glaring spot in logic suggests that if no one checks that box, the government is 84 million dollars richer. Wonder what that could do for our bottom line of 407 billion in deficit? Clearly not much but it’s a start right?

Keep in mind that the 84 mil is merely for the Presidential Elections. This box gets check every year because it gets dispersed every year. By my math, in the 8 years that that fucking idiot Bush has been in office, that’s 672 million dollars in taxes, already paid, that could be going to something far, far better. Like Health Care for everyone. Just a thought, it maybe a “socialist” thought but I haven’t heard anyone else come up with a better idea.

Be Well Citizen.

365 Impossibilities

2008-10-06T11:44:00.000-05:00

365 days ago, at this very moment, the impossible happened. The most incredible woman I’ve ever known (sorry Mom!) said “I do” and became my wife.

Over the last year I’ve tried, with varying degrees of success and failure, to be a good husband but through out it all, she has made me feel like I was the best.

I have no words today, much like the day of our actual wedding, to share with you that could possible convey my love and admiration for this woman beyond these:

“Now and forever more you have been my companion, my conscious, my hope and my love. I love you and even after death takes us, I will always be yours.”

I love you.